Just listen

The universe is talking.  As I stated earlier in the blog -I need a sign - we don't always listen. 

Today- and yesterday, and the day before and I'm going to even bet, tomorrow:  The universe is speaking to me.  And I'm listening.

I'm on the side of the road.  Literally.  At a "seafood market" and barbeque stand.  If you have never had "poke" or Pulled Pork from Kona - you are missing out.  The first, is raw tuna.  Not for everyone.  Last summer, my sons and I acquired a taste for it.  While on the Hilo side of the island, a native Hawaiian relative said "I've never seen boys from Denver like poke like you guys like poke".  The boys just smiled. 

I'm in the middle of nowhere.  Literally.  On the side of the road.  I buy my fresh tuna ($14.99 per pound - it was alive this morning).  My poke.  I'm waiting on my pulled pork. YUMMMMM!!!!!

I've spent all day at "Two Step".  Snorkeling and reading my book.  Drinking a couple of beers.  Life is good. 

I pick up a hitchhiker (Yes, sush now - I know, I know - I learned this from my mom).  All the kids hitchhike on the island.  It's actually quite fun. I've never picked up one before.    He was an exchange student here to learn to farm for 6 months.  He gave me a shell as a thank you.  (Audience - no lecturing, I'm sure I've met guys in bars far worse for me than the hitchhiker on the side of the road).  Plus, I was sober...

Sorry for the tangent.

Back to waiting for for my food.  This woman has a Kona Marathon shirt on.  Once again, the voice inside my head says "ask her".  I'm listening.

"So, have you run the Kona marathon".  "Actually, I'm the race director".  me - "I have this company I'm thinking about starting - I own the website "My Athletic Adventures" I want to bring people to races. I live in Denver. Eventually, when I grown up, I want to be you."  I want to RUN the race.  Not run a race, but RUN it."

Seriously?

I'm in a swim suit, with a wrap on.  I'm on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.  


"I e-mailed you last fall.  It's a long story, but I didn't know if I was coming back".  Ah.  And her husband says, "Now you are coming back?".  Yes, Yes I am.  "Here, let me give you some GU, some cards, and a free registration.  Oh, and here's another race for the families that weekend.  Oh, and your name is Leasa, right?" 

I'm on the side of the road.  In a bathing suit.  In Kona.  And this woman knows whom I am??? 

Okay, I'm listening........

Anyone want to run a race in Kona?? 

AND - she's gone

Hook, line and sinker.  GONE.  What kind of gone are you?

(One of my FAVORITE C&W Song)

What kinda gone are you?

Gone with the Long before it?'

Or just gone to visit your mom?

No, this time she's gone.  LONG GONE. Gone = you know, the one with the heartache after it.

What's the ultimatum? There isn't one.  You are a grown man.  We live in an adult world.  You do what you need to do. I will do what I need to do.

If you can't do it.  Well, that's okay too.  I COMPLETELY 100% understand.  I'm not sure I could move Justin out (that's a whole other story)

No.  You won't be able to move her out.  Here is the ultimatum?  Mover her out?   Oh, come on. Security and Longevity ALWAYS win. I'm not asking for anything.

Where do we meet.  Utah - safe place.  It's not you - it's not me.  Really we don't need to meet.  It's all very simple.  You make the choice.  Here I am.  Missing you. Here's you - missing me......

Truly, this is a low budget, made-for-TV movie, with a few Hollywood moments.   

'

Questions & Answers

It's difficult to ask hard questions.  If you ask the question, you have to be prepared for the answer.  If you don't ask the question, you don't have to deal with the answer.  It's called avoidance.   

Things are usually worse in our heads, then they ever are out loud.  We think of "what will they think"  We exaggerate in our minds.  My favorite thing people do is "I think, they are thinking blah, blah, blah".  Let's start with this premise:  We NEVER know what someone else is thinking.  PERIOD.  There are tons of these types of examples:  Ted Bundy?  The 9/11 terrorist?  We would have never dreamed people had thoughts like this.

Rules for moving forward in life:

• Ask hard questions 
• Be prepared to deal with the answers
• No matter what you WANT the answer to be, understand it is out of your control.
• Give unconditionally 
• Risk it all - the answer might actually be better than you thought.

Just remember sometimes a question is just a question.  There is no deeper meaning.  When someone asks you to go to the beach.  That is all they are asking you.  They aren't asking you to run away with them.  They are saying "DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH?"  That's a yes or no question.

Say "yes" more than you say "no".  And enjoy the day.  Today.  Not tomorrow, not next week, just today.

Short Version - Q&A

****Word of warning:  I'm EXHAUSTED.  The great incredible, wonderful type of exhausted.  SO EXHAUSTED in fact, I can't think straight enough to write.

But for my adoring fans (namely my mom and my aunt) - this is this the short version of what happened today.  There won't be any lessons or deep thoughts - just ramblings, until tomorrow, after I've slept. The name of tomorrows blog will be Questions and Answers, but tonight - it's the short version.

I worked

I swam

I picked up Al and we went to the most Northern Tip of the island.  We passed the turn around point for the Ironman Bike Race (so I've driven it now - does that count??)

We saw more whales.

We watched the sunset at a beach I've never been to before - and Neil Young lives on end of that beach - No, he didn't come out and sing.

All is good on the island.  And now you have more questions than answers......

But I must now go to sleep, for tomorrow I'm going to learn to ride this paddle board that I can't get on the truck.  I must work, I must write, I must finish organizing career day for my kids school.  Then it's ALoha Friday.  A motorcycle ride, paddle board riding and cocktails for the sunset.  Holy cow, I'm back to living on island time.  I heard Denver got snow.....

Hollywood or Independent

What is your favorite ending to a movie or book?  Are you a "Hollywood" type:  everything works out exactly how they have taught us it would.  The hero saves the day.  No one dies - or at least not the main characters.  And yes, it might get tough, but love wins in the end.  Always.  It's a "Hollywood ending"

Of course there are exceptions to the Hollywood ending, but even if the hero/heroine dies - everyone else is better.  Sad, but their lives have been completed.

Are you more of an Independent type movie/book lover?  The one where things don't wrap up so nicely.  People get hurt - but you know they feel and are raw and are human.  It's the book you keep thinking about.  Years later, in the back of your mind, you wonder what those people are doing?  You hope they are doing okay.  (Yes, we all realize they are fictional characters, but we hope they are doing well).

I like both.  I really like it when you read an Independent Book - and it goes Hollywood, only to leave you hanging there at the end.  Or all sad and messed up, because it didn't end the way they were leading you on or vice verse. (Almost Famous; Country Strong; Honeymoon in Vegas)

With life, I'm not sure if I lean towards Independent or Hollywood.  I definitely think my own way and I will try things against the norm.  BUT I want to go against the norm and get my Hollywood ending.  Deep inside me there is a made for TV movie just wanting to come out.  And if that ever happened, I would be so appalled I wouldn't be able to think straight.

I'm going to ramble here for a minute and it might not make sense, but I have to get it all out.

     I had to come back to Hawaii. I had to come to terms with    pieces of my life. I needed to figure some things out. Put the pieces of the puzzle back together. 

I'm an independent film type of girl.  When happily ever after doesn't work out - it's OK.  And for a moment, I believed in Hollywood.  Something I haven't done for years.  Then Hollywood, reminded me, you are an Independent film kinda gal.  Don't go changing whom you really are.  That's just pretend.  Hollywood isn't real.  

So, today, I venture off my regular island schedule.  I stayed at the house too late.  I cut through a neighborhood I don't normally cut through on the way to swim.  I look left, before I turn right - and walking down the street the way I wasn't going was the person I needed to see.  Walking down the street.  THE OTHER WAY.  I had a split second choice.  I was already committed to going right, I could keep going.  (Was it really him? Am I sure?).  OR I could turn left.  

And do what????

I could call my best friend.  I'm really not strong enough to make this decision.  What should I do???  

AND 

Let Hollywood take over....  Or Island Magic

OR

LEAP - after all it's LEAP DAY of LEAP YEAR.

What the heck do I have to lose?  If I turn right, I'll always wonder.  And that is where the Independent Film will take us.  I'll want to call and talk.  I'll want to say things I won't.  If I turn left, I know where he's going and we can "run into each other".  Hollywood style.  And independent all at once.  Maybe I have it backwards.  Hollywood would have kept going. Independent needed the drama?  Maybe?  The road to the right, she went on with her life, and lived happily ever after.  Does Hollywood really have the drama?

I make the only you turn I've made this trip.  I had turned right.  Knowing, if I didn't turn around, I'd regret it my whole life.  Now what??  I call my best friend.  Of course I do.  He's walking down the road.  Are you sure? (I'm sorry - side thought here:  How old are we???)  No, that's why I went ahead and pulled over.  I'm looking through the side view mirror.  Yes, it's him. It's a mannerism.  That's what he does with his hair.  WHAT DO I DO?  "Whatever you do, don't hang up the phone, I want to hear it".  :-)  Now, THAT'S a best friend......

As much as I couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking, I put the phone in my lap, (No, I didn't hang up) I leaned out the window and said "Hey, you want a ride to the beach?"  :-)  And as nervous as I was - at least I had 2 minutes to think this through - he was completely shocked.  He handled it well.

He got in.  Of course he did.  This is Hollywood now. 

We parked the car.  We got in the water.  We body surfed.  We saw whales.  Several of them.  We played and we didn't talk about the elephant in the room - or should I say whale?  

We went to the grocery store.  We went to the Harbor to meet some friends.  And then we said good-night.  

What are you doing tomorrow?  Working in the morning.  Shall we go to the water in the afternoon?  

Of course.  This is Hollywood after all.  At least for the moment.

Go inside

Those are words I don't think I've ever said.  "Go inside".  In fact, once when I told my sons to "Come inside"- it was raining, it was 40 degrees and I had already let them stay OUTSIDE for an hour in that mess (as a 40 year old woman it was a mess - as a 9/10 year old boy - it was heaven) when I finally made them "come inside".  I was greeted with "doesn't our happiness mean ANYTHING to you?".  :-)  I remember the moment very clearly.  They were drenched.  Their lips were blue. And they were shaking from the cold.  Yes, it made me smile.  It still makes me smile.

"Come inside." Be safe.  Stay warm.  It is an invitation.

"Go inside".  Demand.  Harsh.  Abrasive words.  You are in trouble.

What if  we make "go inside" a personal thing.  A HAPPY thing. 

I just wrote a blog on the fact that I need to be OUTSIDE.  Not inside.  What if this "inside" is just within ourselves.  Not within a physical place?  Just that physical place in our head and heart?

I read a good quote today and it referenced both Hawaii and Denver.  " a person can only take so much beauty and inspiration before they have to get back to the grocery list".  We take for granted what we see on the way to the store. And it's funny - coming out of the grocery store I noticed the sun over the ocean.  Will I stop noticing this?



Margaret King, director of a think tank in Philadelphia that analyzes the importance of place in determining how lives get lived, puts it this way: "The place we live becomes invisible after a short while because we get so used to how it operates."

So place matters, but less than we think.

If we are not fulfilled inside, yes we will be drawn to a new place.  It is not the place that will make us happy.  Eventually, the novelty wears off.  As a society, we get caught up in the fact that THINGS, PLACES and PEOPLE make us happy.  However, if we fail to look at what truly (and I mean INSIDE) makes us happy, those THINGS and PLACES and PEOPLE will never make us happy.  We weren't happy inside. 

When does THERE become HERE?

We all search.  Some of us for different things.  Security, Health, Adventure, Safety, Family.  When OUT there looking.  "Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?" We know what makes us happy. And by ME, I mean the voice you don't answer in your head/heart.

Be TRUE to yourself. It's okay if you change your mind.  You've been wrong before.  So have I.  And I will be again.

Look for what makes you secure. And healthy.  And loved.  Just go inside - it's there.  It doesn't mean you have to stay there.  Grab what you need and go back outside....  You can always COME back in........

24 hours in a day

There are lots of minutes in a day.  Lots of hours too.

When you get up early, why does it seem like there is SO much day.  It's true if you stay up late, but then there is SO much night.

I've been getting up at 4am.  That's 7am Denver time - to stay on track and work my normal work hours.  Although, when you work those hours - work is over by 1:00pm.  There is still a WHOLE DAY LEFT.

Maybe it just seems like there is a whole day left because I don't have the "normal" chores.  No hockey, no homework, no cooking dinner.  I have to work out.  And I am working tons.  At night, I'm ready to sleep.  It's dark.  It's quiet.  And, I'm EXHAUSTED.  The good kind of exhausted.

The sun sets in Kona at 6:30.  This past summer, the sun set at 6:30pm.  In the winter, 6:30pm is very late.  I think in Denver the sun might be making it until 6pm right now.  In the summer, 6:30pm is very early.  That's a lot of day!

Why at home does it SEEM like the days go faster?  Am I really that much busier?  Or do I just waste more time?  Here my "wasting" time is reading, swimming, boating - it's an activity.  During the summer, at home, I do seem to manage my time better.  Or it's not really managing my time better, I just realized it's spending more time outside.

That's the difference.  I just answered my own question.  It's more time outside - not more time.