The Library

I LOVE the library.  Yes, I still go to the library.

AND, I swear, the same old ladies whom were working at the library when I was a kid, well, they are now in Denver, working at these libraries.

They know EVERYTHING.  Can still tell you what book is where.  What book you might like also in addition to the three in your hand.  Won't excuse you from the overdue book fine.  And yes, will still "sush" you.  (BTW, when is the last time you "Sushed" someone?)

Yes, I still read BOOKS.  No, not e-readers.  Not, whatever electronic version of anything they send and call it a book.  A real book with paper.  (Back to my old-fashioned ideas - you must read the Newspaper and the Post Office).  I like being able to GIVE someone a book.  Not send them an e-mail.

Maybe it's my last hold out.  Although, I thought the others were too.  Which tells me, if any indication of my past behavior is a future predictor, I will one day NOT be reading a paperback book.  But in the meantime, I love my paperback books.

That's really not the point of my whole topic here, I'm more about the PLACE not the BOOK.  Denver Public Library also allows you to check-out on-line books.  They just expire after two weeks (maybe three). Poof.  Just like that.  The book is gone.  You checked it out, then you can no longer access it.  No late fees.
Helping you get to where you need to be, right on time.  (how can we NOT like that?)

I was reading a library book before Duncan's hockey practice the other day.  One coach commented, "I LOVE the library".  It made me smile.  A few years ago, another coach, stopped and commented on the book I was reading ("Rum Diaries") and says "I LOVED that book, maybe I need to pick it up again.  I should stop by the library."

Once again, I'm not sure what people ACTUALLY do, just we all miss something we don't do.
 
At the start of this year, I mentioned a blog, and a story she wrote.  This is the part of the story:

In The Library you are safe.  It smells of old books and worlds you’ve yet to explore.  It smells of worlds you’ve loved that beckon you back.  It smells of the bacon sandwich the guy in the corner has smuggled in while he devours words and food, not sure which is more filling.

In the library you are prepping.

Everything that happens in the library is just preparation for the next year.  That means if you fuck something up this year it’s fine.  This whole year is just practice.  The library is made for that.  Maybe you spend the year writing a book no one will ever read.  Maybe you spend the year recuperating from last year.  Maybe you burn the Thanksgiving turkey and forget an important birthday.  It’s okay.  It happened in The Library.  It was just practice for next year.  Maybe it’s insanity, or maybe it’s just me, but somehow I think we all need a year in The Library.  A year where it’s safe to make mistakes.  A year where it’s okay to have to escape and stare out the window without someone asking you when you’re going to get back to work and fix your life.  A year where we all whisper quietly about our plans and our wishes and dreams and darkest fears.  A year in The Library.  A year of getting lost in dusty, forgotten corners, and a year of finding the want.  (The want to leave.  The want to play.  The want to shrug off the dreams and walk out in the sunlight.  The want to pounce on 2014 with glee and rapture.)

My favorite line from the quote "a year of finding the want".

To my overall being, this year has been BORING.  A year spent in the dusty old library. The gypsy girl?  She went to Hawaii, she was happy for a bit, but she has an itch of reading a classic, of dreaming and escaping.

The hockey mom got lost back in the stacks.  Dusting. Trapped and Depressed.  Back in the section where she's not happy.  Martha Stewart must be hiding in the library too.  As we haven't seen her for a while.

The Vail girl?  We haven't really seen her in years.  She pokes her head about about once a year, but has let someone else be in charge.

The athlete?  The lover?  The business owner? The adventurer?  The mom  (you know the one making baskets. The one paying attention to the details)

Where the hell has all my support staff been?  Where were they when I needed them?

I think they have all been in the library.  Reading some books.  Recovering from their mistakes. Learning new things.  Deciding what to dust off. What to leave on the shelf.  But never wavering.  Always there.  Gathering speed.  Recuperating from their past, to make them even stronger and better.  Setting their goals.

Here at the start of the year, I was thinking a year in the Library might be a bad thing. Now, well, I'm thinking, it's just what we needed.....

A funny thing happened

I recently wrote a story called "Words with Friends" and told of playing the game with an old friend.

An old friend whom I will always hold dear.  We went on a rampage of playing.  I think we played two games in one week. (and that is TONS for me).  Then we were going to take a break.  Only I was bored at a hockey game and asked to play again.

We started again, only a bit more slowly this time.  Not playing a bunch of times in a day, but just once or so a day.  More like a "good morning" and a "good night".  It was nice.  I liked the good morning.  I liked the good night.  It was just enough.

One morning though, I didn't want to play any more.  I wasn't tired of the game.  I think I've even learned a thing or two.  Learned the meaning of some new words.  Learned that some words, well are actually words (oohed - for example.  They "oohed and aah ed" at the performance.  Only "aahed" is not a word, but "oohed" is.)

I realized the game was making me sad.  I don't like playing games.  I don't like that you are playing a game with someone else and me too.  I don't like that I'm playing games with others and not just you.  After all, I'm pretty loyal.

Yes, I've cheated.  I've had to look up words and try over and over again to see if something is a word.  If it's real.

I went to resign.  Quit the game.  I no longer wanted to play.  But then I realized, if I quit the game, it would then start a new game - a game of me quitting first.  Where you wanted to quit first.  An entirely different game. You can't just quit.  When you've played for this long.

Then a funny thing happened, I realized sometimes it takes a bigger person to quit then to hang on. Just because you are use to playing, doesn't mean you still should.

So, instead of resigning, I quit.

What does your husband do?

For some reason, last summer, I heard the question a lot.  "What does your husband do?".

I don't remember hearing the question the summers before.  I always answer "I don't have a husband'.  Then, without fail, the question is "Are you a teacher?"

The question was asked many times last summer.

Although we know what they are really asking.  "How do you pull this off?".  Only by saying "What does your husband do?", well, seems a more polite way to ask.

The truth is, this is EXACTLY how I wanted my summers to end up.  I just didn't figure out what I wanted the other 9 months to look like.  We all have to be careful what we put out into the universe - be very specific.  I knew what I wanted out of my summers.  I just wasn't sure what I wanted the other 9 months of the year.

Yes, I could have had that husband.  The one where he keeps working and the kids and his wife go to the beach for the summer.   He joins us with Carolyn's husband for a week.  Then we get the rest of the summer with the kids at the beach.  We meaning Carolyn and I.

Only my picture doesn't look like that.

It's a little more clear now.  And my husband?   He's not here right now.  He will be here soon.  But, until he joins us.......  I"m not quite sure what he does.......

Just like that

They "meaning - those whom are wiser than the rest of us" tell us, it's ALL gone.

All of it.  The carpools.  The field trips.  The, "the kids" wanting us to be around.  Just like that.  It's over.

While in the middle of it, that is not the way it seems.  There are good days.  There are bad days.  Highs and lows.  The days that make you want to hit your head against the wall.  It doesn't matter if it hurts.  Just keep going.

They suddenly you blink.

Yes, you are right.  Keep hitting your head against the wall.  Do it ONE MORE TIME.  But after the next blink, well, you realize, "they" (whomever they may be) may have been right.

It's over.

Just like that.

The funny about this time is: you don't believe them.  Elementary School  High School College.  It lasts FOREVER.  While you are in it.  While you are in the middle of it all.

Then they tell you the next "phase" of your life:  "It's going to go so fast, you can't even believe it".

Do our brains stop learning?  Do we stop wanting to fulfill MORE of our lives?   What is the trigger that makes us want MORE and not enjoy WHERE we are in our lives?

"They were right".  I believe them now.  I was wrong.  Because, just like that I was....

Words With Friends

Computer games.  Video games.  Not really my thing.  I'm in front of my computer a vast majority of the working day.  When I'm done working, I don't want to be in front of the computer.

It's hard though - I do like my photo books.  Or writing on my blog.  But once again, I have to be at a desk/table looking at a computer screen. I don't want to be there if I'm not working, hence the reason I then don't play the games.

I get invitations to play all sorts of on-line games.  Just have no desire.

Except for one.

Really, I don't like playing that either.  It's more of a puzzle.  I can also play on my phone. I don't play on the computer - I really wouldn't like it then.

Words With Friends.

That's the game.  Basically, it's the online version of Scrabble.  Only it's even better - it will tell you when you have made up a word and won't let you play it.  Although, that can be a downfall too.  I had the letters for the word "Huevos" today.  It told me that word was not acceptable.  I guess you can't play in two languages.

I'm not sure when I got it on my phone.  I think it was after the boys got tablets last Christmas. Nolan would play WWF (Words with Friends) with my mom.  I thought it was pretty cool way for a grand-kid and his grandmother to connect.

Then I played a game with Nolan.  Only we would do something where we were both playing on his tablet, we would just pass it back and forth.  Then one day, it was on my phone.  I'm sure it was Nolan playing the game with his Lalo.  Then of course, it "syncs" with the e-mail address on your phone/phone numbers.  Ah, the magic of the Internet.  ''hi''- from Duncan  (this is from my "editor")

The truth is, I SUCK at Scrabble.  I'm not much better either with WWF.  Only, I can stop playing and do other things then come back and play.  Usually too, after about four plays, I'm tired of playing for several days.  You can also have several games going at the same time - against different people.  Which I don't know if that is better or worse.

Pretty much I now have four rotating games going on at once. I stop. I start. I play tons of 3 letter words.  I'm not very strategic.  I forget to play for weeks at a time. I play with a variety of opponents. Nolan, my mom, a girl I met once at a bar and she is friends with friends of mine and we are friends on Facebook and I'm not quite sure why we play WWF with each other, but we do. Then people come and go - a friend of Duncan's and Peter Pan.

Peter Pan and I actually just started playing this game together.  He's really smart.  In one of those bookish ways.  Only he doesn't show the whole world he's as smart as he really is.  But, I knew.  I also knew I should be intimidated playing this game with him, because all this time he thinks he's intimidated by me.

We played our first game recently.  We were playing rapidly. I was sitting at a hockey game in which my son wasn't playing, but had to still be there. Strong words, many letters strategically placed.  Just like that, he was 200 points ahead of me.

He sends me a message  "Want to give up now?"

I reply, "I haven't given up in over 10 years, why would I give up now?"

I play a couple of more words.  I then message him, "We are probably too far apart, should probably call it."

The next message from him, "Are we still talking about the game?"  "I think we should see it through to the end".

He won.  I was down to one letter. He beat me by 266 points.

The game then notified me,   "PeterPan won" "PeterPan has requested a rematch".

I'm not sure if we are still talking about Words With Friends.

Boredom

I always wonder "What is going to be enough for me?" Is there actually a time in my life I will say, "No thanks, I don't want to go"

I'm thinking no.  I wish I wouldn't want to go.  That right here, right now was enough for me.

School is going well for the boys.  Hockey season is in full blown action (I have four hockey games to attend this weekend).  Work is going well.  I've actually been dating a great guy for about month now.  (He's age appropriate and a personal trainer - hoping he will get me back in shape).

Then, what happens?

It's either a phone call.  A text.  An e-mail.  "If I send you a ticket, will you come to an island in the middle of the Caribbean for the weekend?"  Says, Peter Pan.......

Oh Peter, how do you know just when to call???  No, not the Pan from the Pacific.  The original Peter Pan.
The funny thing is, I actually had to think about it for a moment.  It had to be discussed with the "Board of Directors" (my girlfriends) - as we were wondering if Hope would want to come along.  Or if this could truly just be a fun trip.

Okay, I'm calling your bluff this time Peter - I want to come.  Send me the ticket.  I actually have NO hockey games next weekend, and the boys are with their dad.  Nothing to rearrange.

By the way, my passport expired in September.  And this is why I always have a passport!!!  Valid!  And with me.

Or maybe it's why I have a new favorite island - one that doesn't require a passport.  Too bad that Pan can't be alone and still has the old girlfriend living with him.  I could just go to that island.

Or maybe I just need to be okay and realize I'm not bored.

Who am I trying to convince??

Oh Peter, then the same thing happens - you get scared when I say yes......  And the ticket won't arrive, but next time I know I won't have to ask my friends, I will just say yes.  Wondering why this time, I thought it was going to be different.  I guess I was bored.....

Arguments

Does anyone actually WIN an argument?

In the history of all arguments has ANYONE EVER convinced the other party that YOUR way of thinking was better than THEIR way of thinking?  I'm thinking no.

What do we do?  I haven't had a "good" argument in a long time.  I told Carolyn, well, except for my ex-husband the only person I've argued with in the past 13 years is well, Duncan.  He's a teenager now, he knows everything.  That doesn't really count as an argument.

IN MY OPINION, when people argue, this is what they are saying  "I'm right, you are wrong"  "I completely don't understand why you don't think the way I do".

What do we do?

The boys dad and I have the same argument year after year.  The price of hockey versus every other sport in the world and being well rounded.  He presents his side.  I present my side.  We have this SAME argument every year.

I know, no matter what, he's NEVER going to think the way I think.  There is also nothing he can say or do to convince me to his way of thinking.

How do you draw the line the sand?  Much less WHERE do you draw the line in the sand.....

Every year he tells me his wishes for the boys and their aspiring hockey careers.  I have learned to just keep my mouth shut.  I want those same wishes.  Every year I wish he understood my side.  He doesn't understand why I don't understand the way he thinks.  We both want the same thing, we just have different methods on how we were going to get there.

The funny thing is, we both want the same thing.  We just both want the accomplishment of the goal in different methods....

I have another example:

Politics
Abortion

Both sides.

You are right.  I'm wrong.  You are wrong.  I'm right.

Can't we start in another place?  Can't we find something we both agree on SOMETHING?

I'm firmly pro-choice.  Yet, I believe abortion is wrong.  Aren't we all?  Don't you think we can all start there?  I don't think there is ANYONE out there whom agrees with abortion.  Can't we start there?

I'm not going to convince you I'm right.  You aren't going to convince me you are right.

What can you do/say to convince me?

We are both right.  Today.  We both agree we don't want a certain thing to happen.  I'm doing what I can to help prevent happenings.  I'm not sure where you are in your statements.  But can't we both start at the same point in the argument?

Otherwise, it's just two people arguing.  I would much rather say, I was wrong.  Or maybe, we were both right. Because, arguments don't lead any place. Wait, maybe that was we were both wrong.