Color Coded

From September through May, my life is color coded.  We leave, breathe, act, move and play by color coded schedules.  I tried to do a screen shot of my calendar and post it here - I'm not that technical.  I was able to do the screen shot.  I pasted it here, but it won't show up.  And this time of year, I don't have that scheduled, so sorry, you will have to go with words no visuals.

Both boys play Club level hockey.  Duncan also made the high school varsity hockey team - as a freshman.  (yea - I think).  Think two practices per person, per team, per week.  Then add at least two games per weekend, per kid. Then add orthodontist appointments, dentist appointments, well visits, high school shadowing, piano lessons, ukulele lessons and school activities.  Oh yes, then add my work appointments, my appointments.  Everything is schedule this time of year.  It's all color coded.  Blue for Duncan.  Beige for Nolan.  Red for my phone calls.  White for something I want to do, but don't have to be there.  Yellow for school breaks.  Green for when the boys are with me.  Thank goodness they have an incredible involved father - this is only my half!

Oh, wait, then add the holidays, Duncan's birthday and maybe a few unscheduled "fun" things thrown in.  Meals, grocery store, laundry and on and on and on.  Birthday parties, seeing friends, sleep overs.

Honestly - it's not like this September through May.  Mainly just November - February.  My "survival" period.  Four months out of the year.  During this time, I try and appreciate the moments.  The moments that get me through.

"You are going to miss this" we tell people this all the time.  And I can tell you, "No, I'm not going to miss this". The over-scheduled, over-worked, over-everything time of the year?  NO, I'm not going to miss this.

What I am going to miss though:

• That moment in the car, when it's just two of us and I get told a funny story about practice.
• Or told a "riddle" they learned in the locker room
• Having the boys as an 'excuse', not to do something I do want to do
• Family dinners
• 
  

Okay, I'm having trouble here trying to think of things I'm going to miss about this "season" in my life.   I know there are moments I do love during the chaos.  Right now, my creative liberties are scheduled.  Ask me in July, I MIGHT be able to tell you what I miss about these months. Or I might just look at you like you are from another planet.

And we do get stolen moments that aren't color coded.  They are unexpected.  They feed my gypsy soul and let the hockey mom stay in charge.

This week for example.  Yes, we had 3 hockey games in addition to everything else.  My running buddy called and asked if I would like his 6 season tickets to the Broncos game on Sunday.

"Yes, yes I would".  Believe it or not, there was only one conflict.  I took my other running buddy, both boys and they each took a friend.  6 of us went.  45 yard line.  32nd row.  Two of the five had never been to a Broncos game (one of those was Duncan).   The guy behind us, bought me a beer.  I was then informed by the 15 year old friend "Leasa, he's flirting with you!".  Smile.   "You think so?"  He wasn't sure I knew, after all they think I'm ancient.

It was a beautiful day. In fact, I was colder at the Rockies (baseball) home opener in April then at a Broncos game in December.  Who woulda thought......

The Broncos won.  Then I took them to Taco Bell.  We all thought we had a perfect day.

We did have a perfect day.  It was unscheduled, it wasn't planned. We did have to put it on the schedule or we would have never made it on time. 

During my "survival" time, it's the moments that get me through.  The moments I can think of.  The moments I will think of later.  The moments not planned, not color coded just appearing when they know you need them.

Looking at the color coded sheet, it's not manageable.  It's over-whelming.  But in all that space that isn't scheduled are moments that keep us going.  Keep us dreaming.  Keep us holding on.

And, if I keep repeating those last few sentences, I might just begin to believe it.

Repeat after me.....

Crumbs

A lady worked for me for about 5 years.  She is a dear woman.  I often joke, she was my "therapist" for the five years. 

She had been through quite a bit in her life.  Four kids, a husband whom left her, breast cancer and I could go on and on.  I could go on and on because this is what I knew about her.  It's what she shared with you about her life.  Years of therapy.  We used to joke, her Weight Watchers group would leave the meeting and go to lunch.  She was about therapy.  Only, she was addicted to the therapy, not the getting better.

She taught me much.  Much about me.  Much about life.  Much about other people.  She taught me to listen to what other people are saying.  She needed someone to listen to her.  I needed her to listen to me. She was addicted to the therapy.

When we met, I was recently divorced.  For her, her divorce was dramatic.  Full of angst.  Devastation.  She was the victim. When she spoke of her divorce, you thought it had just happened - not twenty years previously.

I was not the victim.  I had asked for the divorce.  Yes, there was sadness.  Confusion.  Not understanding this next phase of my life.

She was my surrogate therapist/mom/auntie/friend.  We had an incredible friendship/relationship.

We had many conversations about my life.  Her life.  What I wanted.  My hopes.  My dreams.  Her thoughts.  Her notes.  Her experiences.  How her experiences could help me.  My experiences could help me help her.  We were meant to cross paths in life.

A line I remember when we were discussing relationships:  "You are settling for the crumbs".  (By the way, I had to look up how to spell settling - not sure I'm familiar with that word).  Smile.

"You are settling for the crumbs"

Me:  I'm not sure I understand

Her:  You deserve the whole piece of cake.  Don't settle for the crumbs.

Me:  I don't really like cake.  I'm not sure what you are talking about.

Her:  You date.  You have these stories, you have these men all around you.  Only, you aren't letting anyone be more.  You take what you can get.  Then you go on to the next one.  Some is good enough for you.

Me:  Yes, all of the above is true.  What is wrong with it?

Her:  You deserve the whole cake.  Not just the crumbs.  The goodness.  The hard times.  The highs.  The lows.  The whole cake.

Me:  I don't like cake.  And besides, if you take more than the crumbs, you eat to much, then you feel sick.  I just like the edges.  I don't like frosting.  I don't like a whole piece.  I LOVE the edges, the crusty part.

Her:  Understood.  You are cheating yourself the richness of the middle.

Me:  I don't like the middle.  I've been telling you this.  I like the edge.  The pieces.  Bits & Pieces.  I don't want a whole cake.  A whole bag of chips, maybe.  A cake?  No thanks. 

This conversation has played over and over again in my head for years.  "You are settling for the crumbs".  My answer has always been the same:  "I only want the crumbs."  Then I added, "I tried having cake.  It wasn't for me.  I don't like cake".

Recently, though, I think I can finally see what she really meant.  By committing to the "whole cake", you get it all.  Only, I think if you commit to the "whole cake" you might just make yourself sick.  Hence, the reason I don't want the whole cake.  Too much makes you sick.

Everyone else has cake. 

Am I cheating myself out of the middle?  The richness, the moist wonderful part of the cake?

The funny thing? When I eat a piece of cake?  I scrape off the frosting.  Scrape away the crumbs.  Enjoy the middle.  Only really, I don't like cake in the first place.  I still keep making the cake try to fit me, when really, I prefer chips.

Salty.  Crunchy.  Dipped with a bit of salsa.  Chips?  I'll take the whole bag.

So, Judy, I'm not settling for crumbs.  I'm also not settling for cake.  I'm holding out.  But, I want chips.  The whole bag.

ADD ***OS

ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder

It's runs fairly rampant in this household.  ADD isn't really a bad thing.  We don't have bad cases of it.  Just "bursts" of it. 

Several projects always going on.  Bursts of boredom, followed by creating new things.  Everything gets finished around here.  Usually all at once too - One projected is started, then another, then another, then Oh, we have to go to hockey.  We have too.... You name it - we are busy doing it.  Then suddenly all at once, we get focused and it all gets done.

I really do wish I could start a project.  See it through to the end.  THEN start another project.  Truth is, I don't really know a lot of people whom can do that.  Unless of course, they have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  Although, their projects never get done either - they are always perfecting it.

We really "diagnose" things these days.  It used to be, someone was good at one thing, and not so good at others.

For me, I need lists.  If it is not on a list, it won't ever get done.  You can tell me, but unless there is a note, a piece of paper, the back side of my hand or sticky reminding me that I need to do something.  Even if I WANT to do it.  It works much better if I have it written down.

Which brings me to my shopping list.  I'm okay going to the store without a list if I only need the basics: 

• Milk,
•  Eggs,
•  Cheese,
•  Bread, 
• Chips, 
• Fruit, 
• Vegetables, 
• Pasta and Sauce

With these 8 things, we can make it through the week around here.  However, if we are out of even "staples", I need a list.  You know those things you don't have to buy EVERY week, but it's nice to always have on hand:

• Peanut Butter
• Jelly
• Oatmeal
• Etc.

I couldn't tell you if we ran out or not.  It's got to be on the list.

Tuesday, I was making Nolan's lunch.  (Yes, I still make the boys lunch.  A few years ago I was very tired of making lunches.  We rode that wave and I now realize I only have a couple of lunch making years left, so I don't mind).

Nolan looks over and says, "What's that big bag?"  I reply, "Well, we ran out of sandwich bags, so I just put your sandwich and chips together in a gallon size bag."  Smile.  The look on his face?  He just shakes his head.  I smile and start laughing.  "Would it be better if you just lived with your Dad?".  He just laughed.

And today, at the store, guess what?  I forgot sandwich bags.  I didn't write it down.  My poor children........

Oh, and his favorite joke?  You know what ADD OS stands for?  Attention Deficit Disor****   Oh Shinny!

He's familiar with that feeling....

Thankfulness

Many people this month posted on Facebook the things they were thankful in their life.   30 days.  30 things.

I actually tried doing this a few years ago.  Only, it wasn't November and it was in notebook.  I wasn't appreciating my life.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  Only, there was nothing to really feel sorry for, only a little self pity.  Like me telling some kid to get over the fact he didn't make a team.  In the big picture, I was having a pity party. In the little picture, I felt sorry for myself.

And that's okay.  Can't we feel sorry for ourselves, just for a moment?  Big picture - OH, what a wonderful life!! Even better - looking back at the things that made moments not happy, and realizing later they made you a better person.  We have to be thankful for those things too.  The bad things, made us better.

I am thankful for:

• My health
• My kids, and other peoples kids too
• My relatives

****I watched a show the other day (a new network show), it's was actually quite funny.  They invited all their friends, family and relatives over for Thanksgiving.  It was chaotic and stressful.  Then all those whom were related by blood left.  They proclaimed "their family" was left.  After that they decided, "Family is for Thanksgiving.  Relatives are for Christmas".  I thought it was pretty funny.  Family/relatives

• Friends
• Safety
• My house
• A reliable safe automobile
• Roses growing up my front walk
• My education
• Living in a country where I take my freedom's for granted
• Pink toenail polish
• Tomatoes on the vine
• Public safety
• Airplanes
• Credit cards
• Vineyards
• Things that shine
• The Internet
• Belief
• Electricity
• My bike
• Heartaches - they make the sweet even sweeter. 
• The dishwasher
• Washer/Dryers - could you imagine??  UGH
• Convenience
• The library
• Pencils.  I don't really like pens.
• Love
• Knowing that no matter what, someone has always believed in me.

The last thing I'm thankful for:

Okay, not really, I'm sure my list should go on and on, but really I would put those things in the middle. This would always be the last thing on my list:

• Not always getting what I want, when I want it.  I always get what I want.  The universe just makes sure I appreciate it.....

And for this, I'm thankful.  I think.

"The worst moment of his life. Ever"

We all know, I'm not on the parenting band-wagon, of "my poor child".  You can not instill WANT in people.  You cannot instill "determination".  It's either that, or they will they learn it.  Or they won't.

Hockey season is more than under way.  It's full blown.

I battled back and forth if this article should be titled "Perspective" or the one I picked. 

Background:

I play the "mom friend" game really well.  I have great incredible friends from all walks of life.  My "mom friends"  - well, we are just outside the "A group".  We are just fine on whom we are with our kids and the role we lead in their lives.  We are also quite comfortable at not playing the "game" of "needing" friends.  We are the group of "non-friends". (more on that later)

My soapbox for a moment:  THIS IS YOUR CHILD'S LIFE:  NOT YOURS"

They are going to fall down.  They are going to have broken hearts.  They are going to fail.  LET THEM.  The biggest injustice we are doing to our kids today is not letting them fail.  You will learn more from failing than you will from succeeding.  It sucks.  We all know it.

Yes, we want to protect our children from that hurt.  When really, we aren't protecting them.  We are hurting them.  They have to learn it.  We can't have them "not learn it".  Then there will be injustice in the world.  The kids think that everything should always go their way.  My, oh, my are they in for a rude awaking in the real world.

UNLESS, of course, they go create it.  If THEY create the next chapter in their life, even if they fail, they will succeed.  They will know more about them.

The conversation that led us to this discussion:

Me:  (to hockey mom from last year):  What team is Bo on this year?

Her:  He didn't make a team.  There were no goalie spots loft.

Me:.  Oh.  I thought you went to another team

Her:  No.  "This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to him."  He's playing stick and puck with with 4th graders.

Me:  Oh

What I wanted to say?  "Then he's had a pretty good life and should consider himself lucky"

I didn't say it.

After she left.  I did turn to the mom sitting next to me.  I asked if it would be wrong of me to say the above statement.  I added, yes, it does suck.  But really?  Would have been wrong of me to say?

The other mom?  It sucks.  (they are friends, so I know she heard what I said). 

Me:  Yes. It sucks.  But really, the "worst thing that has ever happened to him???"

Get real.  Tell your son congratulations.

There are stories after stories about bad things in children's childhood.  I don't believe ONE has ever mentioned not making a team.   Yes it sucks.  When you want something and you can't have it.  Yuck.  That feeling will never change.

Should we review the list:

Abuse
Neglect
Abandonment
Divorce (this is a subject for another blog, but only if the parents are acting liking douche's - divorce isn't always a bad thing.  Living with two people whom hate each other, that is a bad thing)
Hunger
Childhood cancer
Loss of a child/parent
On and on..... there are tons of things out there to make the moment "the worst thing ever"


When your son/daughter doesn't make a team?  Yes, it sucks.  The worst thing that has ever happened to them??? 

Count your blessings......

Love the one you are with

Be present.  In everything you do.

You know what's annoying?  When you look around a restaurant and people are engaged with their paper or their phones.  Not with the person/people sitting at the table with you.  Yes, sometimes, you do need to answer a call, but really?  Not really.

People aren't present.  Right here and now.

I'm really bad at this - just in the opposite way of everyone else.  When I'm present, I can't imagine ever being any where/place than where I am at that moment.  I don't wish my time away. I want to be right here.  Right now.

Then, of course, I take it too far.  I then imagine I will always be in this place.  HOWEVER, an hour later when the time is over.  I'm on to the next thing - and can never imagine, once again, that I could be any place else.  Not pining for where I was either.  Present in the new place.

Examples:

My new part-time job.  It was much needed in my life.  I'm distracted.  Happy.  Busy.  What I needed in my life.  My thoughts:  "this job is great.  I'm helping out a lot.  There are shares for me - this is an 18 month project. I could really make some money when this company sells.  I can do this for 18 months."  Hmmmmmm, wonder what I'm going to do about Hawaii next summer?  I guess maybe I can only be gone for two weeks next summer.  I'll need to be here for this job.

Recruiting is going well.  My part-time job is going well.  Boys are doing great.  Hockey season is under way.  Life is flowing along....  We are healthy.  We are loved.  We have a roof over our head and people to care about us.  Who would want for more?

THEN:

A phone call.

What you say?  Can we trade houses again for the original Hawaii house?  After all our daughter is having a baby.  We want to come for the summer.  Can you stay longer this summer?

Poof.  Just like that.

Gypsy Leasa says:  "We can trade for as long as you want.  Just let us know".

Huh?

What happened to "only two weeks next summer?"  What happened to "being right where I am?".  Shares?  Stock options?

Oh, what you say???  You want me to come to Hawaii and live in my house again, with the neighbor Joe next door?  

I love this whole wonderful incredible life we've created here in our everyday life.  I also love our summer life.

Thankfully, we don't have to choose one or the other.  We can choose both.  I can love both wholly, fully and in the present.  Together.  Each at their own time.  Loving the one I'm with.

Call me when you get there

From my childhood, in the back-seat of a car, I always heard him tell my mom "call me when you get there".

Even at a young age, I remember actually thinking "we just live a few miles away, why does he want us to call when we get there?".

Years go by.  I learn to drive a car.  I hear it again.  First long road trip.  Back to college.  Across the ocean.  Across the states.  The phrase is heard again and again.

I've always called.  The same phone number.  My whole life.  The same house.  The same people.  Every time I leave the same house, I've always left, I always call and let the sweetest grandparents in the whole world know I've gotten to the next destination.  I'm safe.  I've "journeyed" to the next location. Suddenly a few years ago, I wondered if he wasn't talking about more.  Day to day life, no he wasn't talking about more.  He wanted to know if I got where I was going.  He's a simple man.  And I'm now a woman - I want something to mean more than it really meant. It doesn't.  He truly wants to know when I get there.


A few years ago on Facebook there was a "note" type of "dare" to list 25 random things about yourself and "post".  Several of my friends did this.  In fact, quite a few did this.  I "started" my list.  "25 random things you need to know about me".  This was pre-blog.

I never finished the list.  I started it, and from the drawer, hand-written;

Here is the start:

• I love to ride my bike.  Still
• Swimming makes me whole.
• The color blue is my favorite.  And not because it matches my eyes.
• I hang on to things too long  (stuff, pieces of paper, people I shouldn't)
• I love good quotes
• Stargazer lilies are my favorite flowers and we plant a new bulb every spring in the yard.  I was told to plant your own flowers in life.
• Friends and family are the backbone of my life.
• I enjoy being a mom much more than I thought I would.
• I am a participant.  Not an observer.
• I don't like peas, but I like split pea soup
• I don't like coffee or milk, but I like lattes.  *****And now, I can even say, I've picked coffee.  
• Music makes me smile.
• Watching random strangers make me smile too
• I can't stand in-efficiency.
• I met one of my best friends at the airport.
• I can hold my breath for a REALLY long time.

That's as far as I got.  A long way from 25.  It was written in 2009 But my last written entry:

• My Papo (grand-father) told me my whole life to "Call me when you get there".  Every day, I wonder if I'm there. Does he know I made it?