********THIS IS A DISCLAIMER ABOUT THE BLOG TODAY - SOMEONE might THINK THIS IS ABOUT SUICIDE, BUT IT IS NOT. I PROMISE. This is about a conversation
A dear, dear friend of mine and I were having a conversation one day - YEARS AGO. She started the conversation with something close to the disclaimer above. PLEASE - if you EVER think for EVEN a moment, someone you know is thinking of this, PLEASE, yes ask. And it's okay if you ask me. I would rather save one life than have you be shy about asking me.
It went something like this: I want to ask you a question, but I don't want you to worry about me. I'm just asking. "Do you ever want to just get into your car and ram yourself into the rock wall?" My IMMEDIATE response was "Oh no, I'm a "flee-er" not a "crash into the wall kinda gal".
Now as I reflect on that conversation, it makes me laugh.
She was having a rough day. She wasn't thinking of driving into a wall - it was a "how do you cope/avoid/deal with it when you had enough situation". With her personality type, she is a "drive into the wall kinda gal". Work as hard as you can, be the best mom you can be, be the best wife you can be - and heck, when you are done: drive into the wall to escape. Escape might be TV; a book, staying at work late, etc. Go harder and faster and what you are currently doing.
My response to the question? NEVER. I probably used to be that girl. (maybe) I'm more of a flee"er". When I've had enough???? Get in my car, on my bike, in the pool/ocean, put my running shoes on, etc and GO...... As far as I can, as fast as I can. And don't stop. Get out of here, but not to hurt myself. Are you kidding??? There is a WHOLE world waiting for me. The wall would impede that process.
This conversation went on for a bit. After a while, I viewed "fleeing" as something I WANTED to do. NOT a bad thing. I was excited.....
WAIT, I can't flee - I have kids, I have a business, I have a house, blah, blah blah.
And THIS is the very best part of the whole story: I can't flee right now, but say in 6 or 7 years (remember this was a few years ago) I can flee. WOW! What an empowering feeling. I can go anywhere I want to go and do anything I want to do. My kids will be in college, I can finally "FLEE"
Of course, I would have to call Carolyn and tell her where I was going. I would have to let the boys know where I would be. I would want to call my mom & dad and grandparents, so they wouldn't worry. I would then send out a Christmas card to all my friends and relatives letting them know where to find me....... Wait a minute. That's not "fleeing", I said.
"That's what you call....... MOVING"...... We laughed. We smiled.
Not sure if I was supposed to laugh or cry. It was very empowering to want to "just leave". Wait, didn't I do that already???? I moved to Colorado. I left my husband. I went to Hawaii for a summer. I LEFT. Didn't I already "flee"?
As you can see, I don't really want to "FLEE". It's the thought that made me smile. The empowerment that I could.
In 2010, I ran a marathon. My first. The first. Athens, Greece - The 2500th anniversary of the ORIGINAL running from Marathon to Athens. On my wrist, I wore a paper band, with names of people for every mile. That way, for that ONE mile, you thought of that person and their influence in your life. At mile 20 - that is where they said the uphill climb ends, I wrote down my friends name.
She said to think of her at mile 20 - and at that moment, I was to think of fleeing. I could "flee" - from mile 20 to 21. Sometimes, all we need is a mile......