Wednesday, August 29, 2012

That place

"You know that place between dreaming and awake?  That's the place I'll always think of you".    Said Tinkerbell to Peter Pan.

It's a special spot.  Not quite "not" real.  Yet, not "real".  Was it a dream?  Was it true?

It's that special place where our sub-conscience 'talks' to us.  We don't always hear it.  We don't always remember it.

Sometimes it's clear - very clear.  Then we wake up and two seconds later we have no idea what it was.  We just know it was powerful and we wanted to remember it.  Other times, it's clear and we remember it - it just doesn't make any sense.

THEN, one morning and we wake up.  We are in that spot.  We heard it and we remember it and everything makes sense.  FINALLY.    We then think "that's what you haven't been doing!!"  "That's what you have been trying to tell me".  Only I didn't know what to do with all the pieces of the puzzle.  It's finding the last piece of a puzzle.  An "Ah-ha" moment.

For me, someone very special holds that spot.  ALWAYS.  Always will.  Not quite real, not quite a dream, yet not awake in the real world either.  Drama then always follows.

He was in town this weekend.  Peter Pan.  He showed up, like he does - every few months.  If JM Barrie's story was verbatim  - he would show up only once a year.  My Peter Pan - he shows up several times a year.  Although he did "forget" to show up several years.  That's not really true.  I just kept the window shut and wouldn't let him in.  He was always there to knock on the window asking me to go to Neverland.

No, scratch that - he's never asked me to go to Neverland.  He wants to stay here (in part of his conscience).  I'm the safe place.

In the Disney version, Peter marries Wendy.  - at least in the sequel - "Hook".  But he forgot whom he really was.  That makes me sad.  We don't want Peter forgetting whom he really is.  Most of us spend our whole lives trying to figure out whom we really are - don't be happy Peter forgot those ways.....

And I'm here, wanting to go to Neverland.

Sorry, Peter, I will always love you, but you see, you keep thinking you need to escape Neverland.  It's just not in you.  And that's okay.  You will never accept it.  And I'll never "fit" into the picture of how it's "supposed" to be in the real world.  You are stuck - in between Neverland and the real world.  That place between dreaming and awake.

Only you keep trying to wake up.

But me, see I'm not really Wendy.  I'm one of the Lost Boys   Only, I know right where I'm supposed to be. Not asleep nor awake. I'm supposed to be at that place between dreaming and awake - Loving the real "Pan", whom truly never wanted to grow up. Not you, the Peter Pan, whom keeps trying to grow up.

Pan - you should have believed Tink.  She knew what she was talking about. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Olive Juice

Look in the mirror and say the words "Olive Juice".   Then say "vacuum".  (Go ahead - go do it, the blog will still be here). 

Unbeknownst to me, I had no idea what this looked like.  Or what it might have meant. Nolan informed me that he learned this in about, oh, second grade.  (Ok, maybe it was fourth-ish grade)  Doesn't really matter.  I'm very comfortable with my "non-hipness".

BUT, this summer I did learn what those words really mean.

If you say, or look like you are saying "Olive Juice"  it looks like you are saying "I love you".  If you say, or look like you are saying "vacuum", well, it looks like "F**K you". 

The words of the summer were born.  Olive Juice.  Vacuum.  It was quite cute.

Vacuum only got used, when, well, I asked them to vacuum (and the only carpet was in Nolan's ohana) - which always caused laughter.  I love being the brunt of jokes... ;-)

Olive Juice, on the other hand, was used quite often.  What a WONDERFUL way for people whom want to say something, but can't quite do it.

It's hard for most people to express their emotions.  No, I'm not suggesting this replace the words, "I love you", it just might make it easier place to start.

I had teenagers on my hands.  Telling your mom you love her in front of other people can get to be hard.  A teenage girl, whom completely loves you, and doesn't know how to say it, well, it's a perfect way to say it  out loud - and by saying "Olive Juice" not feel like you love anyone else less - you just love this person - ALSO.

Arriving back in the mainland, I had dinner with an old friend.  We were having cocktails - he ordered a vodka soda, I ordered a Dirty Martini.

Mike:  What's in a Dirty Martini?

Me:  Vodka and Olive....... I couldn't talk, I froze  (and I seriously couldn't remember the next word)

Mike:  "Olive Juice?" 

Me:  Yes.  Head nods.  Uh-huh.  Smile.  "Olive Juice"

When I froze, I didn't know why.  I really didn't think about it, (we had trouble getting to dinner, missed locations, etc - so by the time we did order drinks, we were both a bit frazzled).

Then "Olive Juice".  Hey, he said it first!  Then I was smiling.  He wouldn't understand. We both say "Olive Juice".  Maybe he did know.....

Saying good-bye on the island - made it much easier for a teenage girl with tears running down her face, to say "Olive Juice" to two very cute teenage boys and their mom.

We know what it means.

Olive Juice.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Expiration Dates and Tattoo's

These words are mutually exclusive. 

The really funny thing:  I had to look up how to spell both the words.  I'm not good with either one.  Expiration Dates nor Tattoos.  Both link to my commitment issues.

In my mind - everything expires.  Even tattoos.

Let's start with expiration dates:

Milk (I don't drink - I don't drink coffee either, but I really like latte's (makes no sense to me either)).  Yogurt.  Cheese.  Eggs.  You can buy these things and they are still good LONG after their "expiration date".  Are expiration dates arbitrary? Is it a date the government (or whatever regulating agency) decides it will no longer protect you?

Think about medicine.  Medicine doesn't expire FOREVER.  Neither do condoms?  Do these things quit working or is that just the moment that the person whom was in charge is no longer responsible for what they said?  I kinda like that theory.

Today - I can say this:  "whatever that may be" and on July 1, 2013 - that thought expires.  WHATEVER that thought might have been. You can hold me responsible for that thought until a certain date.  Maybe we can say something and put on it a disclaimer?  I'm saying this - and this thought expires on such and such date.  Or maybe, it expires tomorrow.  Or yesterday......

Let's take a vote.  If you will allow someone else to "recall their vote" on their thought from yesterday - you can have two recall's.  Fair Deal.  (oh, by the way, this idea expires tomorrow).  ;-)

Both my drivers license and passport expire in June.  This makes me VERY nervous.  I don't say NEVER.  EVER.  NEVER makes you eat those words.  ALWAYS.

I can tell you, I have NEVER had a drivers license expire.  EVER.  And this one???? Its still has my old address on it.  I moved into this house 9 years ago.  I have NEVER had a passport expire.   EVER.   They won't let you leave the country within 6 months of expiration. This will be my third passport.

For years, I've put off getting a new drivers license.  I've put off changing the address.  ALWAYS.  Within a year, I change addresses.  ALWAYS. This time it scares me though.

My friends all say - this time it will be different.  Even though I've lived in the same house for 9 years.  They promise me.... this will be different.   I'm going to hold strong - I'm not moving. The boys have attended the same school for the last 9 years.  It's the longest I've EVER done anything.   Duncan goes to high school - time's are a changing. I pay the mortgage - here..  I LIVE here - my sons live here and so do their friends.  So do people whom needed to come find themselves.  I've just never committed to this house. Well, obviously, I'm committed (another word I had to look up!!), just can't let the rest of the world know I admit it.

My last house?????  I got the drivers license ---- and moved a year later. I was at the last house with the passport too.

Nolan goes to college in 5 years.  I have 5 years.  I have to change my drivers license by next June.  My passport by January.  In other words, I expire in 2 years - with a 6.4 month deadline.  This time, I'm fighting it. I'm here for 5 years.  Help me hang on...

It's impossible said PRIDE
It's risky, said EXPERIENCE
It's pointless said REASON
"Give it a try" - whispered the heart....

I'll have to tell you about the tattoo's later.....

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The land of misfit toys

Ever wanted to be with the "in" group.  You know.  The group that in some fashion makes you feel inadequate about yourself.

Maybe it's human nature.  We all want to belong.  Belong to the group that everyone "likes"  With the "right" group of people.  Only, as we get older - we realize those people aren't any happier than us - it just "appears" that way.  "THEY" look like they have it so EASY.  SO WONDERFUL.  SO MUCH BETTER - than us.  Age happens.  We know.  They don't have it any better than us - it only SEEMS that way.  We actually then know, they might be LESS HAPPY than us.  They are just pretending. 

We have a couple of choices:

Join them.

Be something we aren't.  Or maybe we are.  We can belong to "that" group.  Be something we aren't.  Follow along.


Join the group - or the non-group - of where we don't/do belong..  You know that group.  The group of "rare birds"  - those whom collect other "rare birds".  Those whom understand I may not talk to you for years.  And yes, you may send my best friend a wedding present, because you noticed her update on my "faceook page".  The "I might not call you for a year", but call me, on the side of the road in Chicago, and I won't ask questions.  I'll just come get you.  Because, you get me.

I've fought it my WHOLE life.

Yes, I look the part.  The part of "them".  You know.  I did too.  And I SOOOOOO wanted to be one of them.  And I still look like "them". If you don't know me - you think I belong to 'them".  BUT YOU.  YOU know........

It's the middle of the night - and you are broken down on the side of the road.  In Chicago. You know.  I'll come get you.  MAYBE, you always knew, there was someone to come get you.  You just had to let go......

If you ever watch "Rudolph, The Red Nose Reindeer", the ones that don't "fit" perfectly are sent to their own island.  They do okay.  They band together and believe in each other.

Be comfortable enough to grab another misfit toy.   Take them with you - or let them take you.....

Maybe it's the living on the island???  

Monday, August 20, 2012

Alarm Clock - Part II

When I last left you, it was all about time. 

Waiting.  Settings.  Running on a schedule that doesn't belong to us. 

School begins next week for the boys.  Cross country begins and hockey try-outs start at the end of the week.  We are back to our color coded calendar of events.  Routes.  Bus schedules.  Carpools. 

Everything running "on time".  Scheduled.  Organized. 

It's all good.  This is how 90% of the world functions.  Some of those in the 10% live in a mud hut in Africa.  No need for that extreme......  We can function within this reality. 

BUT, to follow up from the alarm clock in the hall.......

First thing the next morning:  Duncan, please put the alarm clock in the Goodwill pile in the garage. (On a side note here - I'm not a "stuff" person - we stop by Goodwill on a weekly basis to drop things off. The rule around here:  if you don't like it, aren't using it and don't want it any more:  it goes in the Goodwill pile).  Of course, someone else can take what you wanted to "discard" out of the pile.  No, there is no "garage sale" pile.)   If it's something of real "value", we MIGHT list it on Craigslist. 

Alarm clock is the Goodwill pile in the garage.  Last I know.  Some time last week, I was told I had to "come outside, quick!"  (NEVER, a good thing)  I've learned. 

Two boys (yes, both mine) with hammers.  Shattering the "horrible" alarm clock.  I just shook my head and smiled.  Nolan lectured, "someone could have bought a good alarm clock at a good price".  Duncan proclaimed, "we aren't passing this alarm clock forward!"  Needless to say, it was already destroyed when I got there. 

When the electricity goes out in the house, the alarm clocks in the boys bedrooms blink.  (well, at least they both did - now the clock in Nolan's room blinks). 

We have destroyed the "evil" clock.  Nolan's clock has been blinking since we got back from Hawaii - 27 days ago.... (not that I'm counting)

Hope we make it to school on time Monday. 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Today.  Just today.  This is my day:

I'm going to wake up.  Excited to see what is going to happen.

Work.  You know, that thing that pays the bills.  Have a job. Well, I don't really have a job. I have to make money in order to support myself and my boys. The one whom pulls it off.   I'm very lucky.  I've created my own luck.

But, today, I'm going to create my life.

You know, the one that we always wanted.  The life we think everyone else is living.  It's better than ours, right?

Today.  Well, today, is the day....

Today, I'm going to get up and work.  I'm going to work out.  Or ride my bike.  If it's hockey season, I'm going to take my sons to hockey. Come home cook dinner, watch a TV show. Help the boys with their homework. Do some laundry. The house will cleaned up.

OH.......what did you say?????  There is a party in Vail?  I'm going. A party down the street - and you want the boys to come hang out with their friends?  There is a bike ride around the corner?  The potluck around the corner?

You have free tickets to an outdoor concert?  Oh, by the way, no I don't mind if the pre-party is at my house?.......Yes, you can bring a friend.  And they can bring a friend too.

Want to get your nails done? Have you bought your ski pass yet?  What do you want me to do?  Where do you want me to show up????

Today.  WAIT!!!!!

I keep "tri-ing"; I tri and tri again to make my life mold into something that doesn't work for me.  Yet, I still fight it.

90% - acceptance rate.  That's where I'm at.  Pretty darn good.

I'm limiting myself to 21 days in August. Fifteen and a half days scattered during the year.  Those are the days weeks every year I can pretend I live like society tells us.  10% of the time.

The other 90% - I'm accepting that this is how my TODAY looks:

My sons
Do what I can to make my life better by spending the time helping the organizations my children are involved in.
Work (3 hours per day)

See/visit/talk to family/friends - have lunch, go the movies, network, enjoy my life.

Play - bike ride,ski, surf, run, sit on the couch and watch a movie, holding my breath, attending my Hula Hoop class

The 10% of my life??????   Day in Day out

Work  (6 hours per day)

Hockey/sports/organizational things for other people

36.5 days.  I can do the 10% if I can do the other 90%.

Today, I"m playing a grown up, in a real life, created by me.  Today.  Only 35.5 more days to go.....

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Alarm Clocks

I don't have a clock in my room.

In fact, I only have one "clock" in my house.  It's one of those "trendy" "have to have" clocks.  I LOVE the clock in my living room.  It's not a "watch" - it's something that tells time.

Did you know people don't wear watches anymore?  There was an article in some magazine, somewhere that said if you wear a watch, it actually makes you "look older".  Unless, of course, you are a male.  Male's wear watches.

It's their jewelry.

How do you manage without a watch or a clock?  It's funny, I'm NEVER late.  EVER.  (and I actually get annoyed with people whom are late).  There is TIME every where.  On your phone.  People telling you - you have to be some place and you "only have 10 minutes to get there".  The world is organizing you.

Just like those people whom say "I don't need anything else to survive - I live off the land".  Yes, you live off the land because others help you......

It's a group effort around here.

About 6th grade, the boys middle school teachers said to quit waking your child up, let them get up on their own.  I added, you have to wake me up too.  ;-)

We live in a corner house.  I sleep with the windows open year around.  Fresh air.  Always.  The traffic patterns change around 6 am.  ALWAYS.  Your sleep patterns change with the traffic patterns.  I wake up.  I can tell by the light if I can go to sleep or not.  I haven't set an alarm in 15 years.  Unless, of course, if I have a plane to catch.  I'm awake before the alarm goes off.  ALWAYS.  We just need a back-up at times.

Hawaii, I woke up when the roosters told us to wake up. The really funny thing, the room I stayed in didn't have a clock either. There was no timer in the kitchen.  I THINK there was a wall clock in the living room, but after I turned off my computer each day - it didn't really matter.   There is time all around us - we just need to listen.

I moved out of the "married" house in January 2002.  I had a great watch my kids dad gave me.  Suddenly, I couldn't find it.  I thought I had lost it.  In fact, I had lost it. I did find it again - in my gym bag, in a pocket, when I no longer needed it.

When I got divorced, I bought this cheap clock at Target that annoyed me.  Hit the sleep button wrong - and it would play for an hour.  Unless of course you hit the fast forward button at the same moment you are hitting the snooze button....AND THEN, you stop before, blah blah blah.... It makes life hectic.  I made it work.

The clock has been in Duncan's room since 6th grade.  Last night - he had it!!  I thought the house was on fire.  He explodes into the family room talking about how bad the clock is.  The sleep button does NOT work and all the music is Country & Western AND heaven, forbid, you can't hook an IPOD into it.... "MOM, can I get RID of this clock???""

YES, you can.

Just remember, this is a 14 year old male we are dealing with.  When I go to go to bed:  the alarm clock is in the hallway.  I stubbed my toe.  See why I don't like clocks?

Duncan received the alarm clock in 6th grade.  His teachers thought it was time.... ;-)