Doing this Backwards

I didn't have any adventures last year.  Last year was about getting through it.  It's over now.

One of the things I've realized about my life:  if I plan it, I will make it happen.  It's a goal.  So, I'm now planning the first six months of this year.  Let me tell you, I'm booked already.

Carolyn visits in January
Vegas in February - for a hockey tournament (I haven't booked the flights, but I have to go)
March - Moab annual camping trip.
The start of April, I'm going to Paris.  I'm running another marathon.  My running buddy whom wants to go.  The things I do for trips.
End of April - Granny/Leasa birthday trip to Nashville.  A half-marathon.
May  - St Louis to see my nephews graduate high school.

The Hawaii people are going to come stay in my house while I'm in Moab/Paris.  As of right now, they don't think they are coming for the summer.  I have a feeling though, they will be here.  And if not, I've already started looking for other people to swap with.  I'm not quite ready to give up our Hawaii summers.  

The boys and I did talk briefly about going another place.  Trying a new adventure.  We just aren't quite done with our old one yet.

NOW - I have this all planned.  I'm all committed to all sorts of people.  I'm in.  

As I look back at my life, I plan it, then I figure out how to pay for it.  If I don't plan it, I don't have extra money sitting around.  I won't have any money AND I won't have done anything (best example is the year 2013).

So, I'm booked.  I'm planned.  Now to go find the money......

2014

14 goals for 2014.


Each goal then has 14 parts.

But first, let me tell you about 2013.  It was about time.  It was Deux Time.  Time to start over.  Time to breathe.  Time to just let go.  Or hang on longer than I should. Well, of course, that's what I deux......

I'm sure I remember a year in the past that I wanted to be over.  But for some reason, it wasn't last year.

HOWEVER, last year, well, is OVER.

So, for this year, I'm starting with my theme again.  Knowing full well, well this "isn't what I meant".

It's the year of 14.  14 things - and each of those is another 14.  But we count both sides.  There AND back as TWO.  Just because we go, doesn't mean we have to go back - so, here goes:

14 miles per week - running that is - more details to follow
14 random acts of kindness
14 pounds to lose
14 thank you notes to write
14 trips (7 round trip.  As we know, I've booked MANY a ONE way tickets in my life)
14 placements (work)
14 things to acquire (me, the SO non-materialistic girl - I will acquire maybe, 14 places place my STUFF).  Afterall, I bought a juicer this year.

I count each of those as double.  As it's only 7, but really 14.   You have to count there AND back.

Tomorrow, I'm buying 14 pairs of new panties.  It's time  (I should have done this last year). It's new.

It really has nothing to do with panties.  It's all about new.

I don't know when I've ever done one thing.  I'm doing 14 new things this year.

The Unrequited love

The love we can't have.   The love we had for a "moment", but we couldn't/didn't hold on to it.  For some reason, the timing just isn't right.

It's is story of my life.  Right time.  Wrong place.  Right place - wrong time.  

I'm not talking about my flirting friend.  I'm talking about a time and a place and it wasn't meant to be.  Or at least not, right now.  

We've all had those.  So instead of really 

But this story is not about me.  It's about my son.  He got a taste of the "unrequited love" of life.  They "I want you to be my girlfriend" and instead of saying yes.  She said nothing.  Too scared to say yes (after all, they were 14), but not wanting to let him go.  Then, when she wanted "more", well, it was too late.  

The back and forth game begins.

There is this website with teenagers called ask.fm  Then you ad your "handle". and you can "anonymously" ask anyone on this site anything.  Although, as we know, nothing on the Internet is "anonymous".  

So, she's posting all over the place of how in love she is.  Then he posts "I'm in love".  Well, she doesn't like this.  Of course she doesn't.  All I can think is "I want you to still be missing me - even though I'm out living my life, you need to miss me".  

I remember being that girl.  

You scare me to death.  Only, I want you here with me - while I go play.  (Much like their mom and dad's).  But just remember, while you are "out there" looking - the one you missed out on, well, was the one you had in the first place.  Don't spend your whole life wondering what it "would have been like".  Don't miss your chance.

If you aren't smart enough to realize it the first time, realize it the second time....

Flirting is Free

What is it about the Lifetime Network movies that suck you in?  (I think it's now called LMN - versus Lifetime)

These are bad "Made for TV Movies", whom usually start out okay.  Then after the first twist or 20 minutes, well, they are dreadful.  If you try starting one in the middle, it just doesn't work.  If you start, at well, the start, they in some way, hook you in.  Then next thing you know, it's two hours later and you are crying because you watched this movie.

Almost five years ago, I started watching a Lifetime movie - it was called "Flirting with Forty".  Oh, what's her name.  Heather Locklear was the lead.  It was a summer day.  We still had real cable back then.  Not the "ghetto cable" (as the boys call it) we have today.  (They should consider themselves lucky - we are about to get rid of cable and "stream" TV)

I digress.

I get sucked into this movie.  Long story short:  Heather goes to Hawaii and meets a young surf instructor and ends up flying back and forth.  They break up.  Then one day he shows up IN DENVER - Because, THAT IS WHERE SHE LIVED.

Remind you now, this was BEFORE my little Hawaii adventure.  I just remember watching the movie and being really jealous.  Then I discovered she was "living in Denver" - then I was just pissed.  I'm sure the movie isn't very "good", but in my mind, well, you can see, I still remember it.  (Yes, she was divorced and had two kids).

Then next thing you know.  Well, okay, not really.  It was two years later, my adventure to Hawaii began.  I was "Flirting in my 40's".

I'm a good flirt.  It's fun to flirt.  And truthfully, I'm more "talk".  Don't get me wrong, I've gotten into my share of trouble from flirting, but really, it's fun to flirt.

Flirting makes you feel like a million bucks.  You feel attractive.  They feel attractive.  The best flirting is all that is done - then left alone.  It was free.  No need to act.

This New Years Eve we were on our annual pilgrimage to see friends we always see.  To the New Years Eve party we have attended for the last 5 years (minus 1).  My "brothers" were there.  My sons were too.  Some other great friends we've met over the years too.  AND, my flirting buddy.

We met with this group years ago.  He's married.  He's got kids. (They were still out of town from the holiday's).  He's a great looking guy - in shape, smart and successful.  And we are attracted to each other.

But only in a flirting kind of way.  In fact, we usually just say hi and smile - then walk in the other room.

This year though, we texted each other during the party.  It was fun.  It made me feel like a million bucks.  Silly stuff - "I like your socks" - was one of the texts.  "Thanks for trying to kill us when we were shooting off the fireworks" was another.

Nothing sexual.  Nothing risque - unless you are counting "I'm going outside - do you have extra clothing I can borrow?  Like your gloves."  Just flirting.

Just like that - the night ended.  That was the end of our flirting.  Back to the real world.

Flirting is free.

Wrapping Up the Year

For me, the hoopla around New Years is not about the New Year.  It's about the old year.  Wrapping it up. Coming to a close.  I can't celebrate the START of something - we don't know yet what it is going to bring.

I guess I can't really celebrate the ending of something.  Maybe I don't want it to end?  It's a wrap-up. Maybe it's a break-up that you aren't ready for.

For me, (and you can laugh if you want), my "fiscal" year, usually runs from July to July.  Not this arbitrary January to January stuff.  As I was born in June - my year runs until June.  I do better from July to July.  January though is a good way to look at my "calendar" year.

Of course, that whole time of your life that you are in school - your "calendar year" is September to June.  Taking a break from June to September.

The nice thing though - I look at the ending, not the start.  What I'm wrapping up.  What I'm finishing.  I can't really prepare for the "what is going to happen next".  I can just tell you what ISN'T going to happen next. What I'm finished doing.

I do have some goals for next year.  Because, you know what?  I really set no goals for 2013.  And you know what?  I didn't achieve anything.  I survived.  I don't like just surviving.

What I'm done doing:

• Surviving - mentally, physically, fiscally, spiritually.  I'm done with "surviving".  "Surviving" has never been enough for me.  Why is "getting through all this" now enough for me?
• Not planning trips.  I had NO adventures this year.  And no, Hawaii does not count - we "went" there - there was no adventure.
• Wearing my workout clothes all the time.  I don't even work out all the time.  
• Being worried about the next phase of my life.  The boys will be off in college soon - and just life everything else, there is something waiting for all of us.  I just have to be present.
• Having the opportunity for sadness in my life.  I had the opportunity to attend 5 funerals this year.  I have one more left on January 4.  While, I only attended 3, that's more than I've ever attended in one year before.  It doesn't matter if they were young or old, it was sadness - and I just need to keep remember I was glad I was touched by so many wonderful people.
• Not being in charge of my life.  It's amazing when I step-up in FRONT of my life, I have a great time.

My goals for 2014? Those will come next week.  When I'm not hungover.  When I've experienced some new traditions. When I'm in Denver.  When I've wrapped up 2013.  When I'm ready to thrive.....

Traditions

As much as I accept change, there is honor in tradition.  While I attended and graduated from Texas A&M University and understand ALL there is to know about tradition  - sometimes things still change.

They need to change.  Maybe just a bit - not major changes.  Just a few changes.  Honor thy tradition, yet accept modifications?

What happens when someone gets married?  Or moves away?  Or has a baby?  Or all of the above.  Yes, we are at the traditional time of year, but things do change.  It's not easy.

This year, I attended 3 Christmas parties.  It was a record year.  I don't think I attended any last year.  That different.

We had friends over Christmas day - 6 adults - 5 kids.  Last Christmas day was a different number, a different crowd - yet the same sentiment was there.  Friends together for Christmas.

The boys and I head out to Utah tomorrow to wrap up 2013.  A tradition we started several years ago.  We did miss one.  We didn't like it that year.

This year will be different too.  We aren't staying where we normally stay.  They have a new baby.  The mom seems a bit over-whelmed.  (Not is a good way). That's okay, we are going to let her adjust.  We are going to adjust too.  My sons friends (really, the ones whom are my friends), well, one of the brothers is staying with us.

A tradition we started a few years ago.  Now changing for the seasons too.

Photographs

Good thing/bad thing about digital cameras:

Good things

• You don't ever have to worry about not getting the "perfect shot".  One of the pictures you take will have a great shot.
• If you didn't get the shot, someone else will have - and it's easy to "share" with you.  There is no need to expect them to actually MAIL you a copy.
• No more paying to "develop" film.

Bad things:

• You now have 100 pictures from ONE day and can't bear to delete even the bad ones.
• Those 100 pictures you took - are all on your computer, not in a picture book, not in easy accesible place for friends to look.
• That "shoebox" full of pictures is now something on a computer.

Now we have, let's say 50 GREAT pictures (those on my camera, your camera, and the person next to you whom you give your e-mail address).

What about the bad photos?

But I like the bad pictures too.  I say that, but I'm the worst.  I've gained some weight and am really not inspired to do anything about it.  So therefore, I've been participating in the American Culture - of well, not participating - - finding me in a picture is a rarity.  I guess I like the bad pictures of other people.  Just not the not flattering pictures of me.

These kids are growing up with a "perfect" childhood.  Man, adulthood is going to really suck.  When they look back at pictures of their childhood - everything was perfect. Just look at the pictures.

The good thing about one of the bad things?  We are no longer subjected to "family vacation" videos. But now, I understand WHY people want to share their photos.  It's not to brag - in a "look what we did", "look where we have been sense", but more of a "I want to share with you, who I am, what I have become" moment.  It's not a jealous thing.  It's a proud thing.  And yes, I want to see your pictures too.  I want to share your experiences.  I can experience them with you.

However, it's no wonder we are more narcissistic than we used to be.  Every picture we keep, well, we look perfect. But this is a vow for 2014.  I'm getting in the picture.  

Because, I don't really remember pictures with me and my parents.  I don't have pictures with me and my mom.  Or me and my dad.  Other than special occasions. Until I was an adult.  It's okay, times were different. There were probably pictures on film that was not developed.

My kids are almost grown.  They aren't going to remember I thought I was out of shape at one point - and it was a couple of years before I was in a picture.  (Please don't tell me, "you look fine" - we all have our internal battles.)  They are going to wonder why I wasn't in the picture. They don't know about those internal  battles. They will just wonder where we were.  They will one day, they will understand - they will have their own battles.  Don't we all?

I love the surly teenage pictures where I take the picture of all the kids.  They need those photos too.

But this time, I'm including the mom.  The good photos.  The bad photos.  The I love/hate my life photos. I love/hate my mom photos.  Inclusive of all the love we have.  The wrinkles in the neck.  The "wow" she got old photos.  The "wow, that's my mom" photos. Because, they will have them.  

One photo at a time.

*****I tried, and I don't have a photo from my childhood I can find.  It's okay.  Or one that is on-line.  I can find a bunch with me and a lot of great people whom we all love.

But, here is me - in the middle of the ocean. With my arms open. Around people I love. To me, this picture is more valuable than all the rest.

No, I won't put it in a photo book.  But this, is me. With them.  With you.  Merry Christmas.