AND - she's gone

Hook, line and sinker.  GONE.  What kind of gone are you?

(One of my FAVORITE C&W Song)

What kinda gone are you?

Gone with the Long before it?'

Or just gone to visit your mom?

No, this time she's gone.  LONG GONE. Gone = you know, the one with the heartache after it.

What's the ultimatum? There isn't one.  You are a grown man.  We live in an adult world.  You do what you need to do. I will do what I need to do.

If you can't do it.  Well, that's okay too.  I COMPLETELY 100% understand.  I'm not sure I could move Justin out (that's a whole other story)

No.  You won't be able to move her out.  Here is the ultimatum?  Mover her out?   Oh, come on. Security and Longevity ALWAYS win. I'm not asking for anything.

Where do we meet.  Utah - safe place.  It's not you - it's not me.  Really we don't need to meet.  It's all very simple.  You make the choice.  Here I am.  Missing you. Here's you - missing me......

Truly, this is a low budget, made-for-TV movie, with a few Hollywood moments.   

'

Questions & Answers

It's difficult to ask hard questions.  If you ask the question, you have to be prepared for the answer.  If you don't ask the question, you don't have to deal with the answer.  It's called avoidance.   

Things are usually worse in our heads, then they ever are out loud.  We think of "what will they think"  We exaggerate in our minds.  My favorite thing people do is "I think, they are thinking blah, blah, blah".  Let's start with this premise:  We NEVER know what someone else is thinking.  PERIOD.  There are tons of these types of examples:  Ted Bundy?  The 9/11 terrorist?  We would have never dreamed people had thoughts like this.

Rules for moving forward in life:

• Ask hard questions 
• Be prepared to deal with the answers
• No matter what you WANT the answer to be, understand it is out of your control.
• Give unconditionally 
• Risk it all - the answer might actually be better than you thought.

Just remember sometimes a question is just a question.  There is no deeper meaning.  When someone asks you to go to the beach.  That is all they are asking you.  They aren't asking you to run away with them.  They are saying "DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH?"  That's a yes or no question.

Say "yes" more than you say "no".  And enjoy the day.  Today.  Not tomorrow, not next week, just today.

Short Version - Q&A

****Word of warning:  I'm EXHAUSTED.  The great incredible, wonderful type of exhausted.  SO EXHAUSTED in fact, I can't think straight enough to write.

But for my adoring fans (namely my mom and my aunt) - this is this the short version of what happened today.  There won't be any lessons or deep thoughts - just ramblings, until tomorrow, after I've slept. The name of tomorrows blog will be Questions and Answers, but tonight - it's the short version.

I worked

I swam

I picked up Al and we went to the most Northern Tip of the island.  We passed the turn around point for the Ironman Bike Race (so I've driven it now - does that count??)

We saw more whales.

We watched the sunset at a beach I've never been to before - and Neil Young lives on end of that beach - No, he didn't come out and sing.

All is good on the island.  And now you have more questions than answers......

But I must now go to sleep, for tomorrow I'm going to learn to ride this paddle board that I can't get on the truck.  I must work, I must write, I must finish organizing career day for my kids school.  Then it's ALoha Friday.  A motorcycle ride, paddle board riding and cocktails for the sunset.  Holy cow, I'm back to living on island time.  I heard Denver got snow.....

Hollywood or Independent

What is your favorite ending to a movie or book?  Are you a "Hollywood" type:  everything works out exactly how they have taught us it would.  The hero saves the day.  No one dies - or at least not the main characters.  And yes, it might get tough, but love wins in the end.  Always.  It's a "Hollywood ending"

Of course there are exceptions to the Hollywood ending, but even if the hero/heroine dies - everyone else is better.  Sad, but their lives have been completed.

Are you more of an Independent type movie/book lover?  The one where things don't wrap up so nicely.  People get hurt - but you know they feel and are raw and are human.  It's the book you keep thinking about.  Years later, in the back of your mind, you wonder what those people are doing?  You hope they are doing okay.  (Yes, we all realize they are fictional characters, but we hope they are doing well).

I like both.  I really like it when you read an Independent Book - and it goes Hollywood, only to leave you hanging there at the end.  Or all sad and messed up, because it didn't end the way they were leading you on or vice verse. (Almost Famous; Country Strong; Honeymoon in Vegas)

With life, I'm not sure if I lean towards Independent or Hollywood.  I definitely think my own way and I will try things against the norm.  BUT I want to go against the norm and get my Hollywood ending.  Deep inside me there is a made for TV movie just wanting to come out.  And if that ever happened, I would be so appalled I wouldn't be able to think straight.

I'm going to ramble here for a minute and it might not make sense, but I have to get it all out.

     I had to come back to Hawaii. I had to come to terms with    pieces of my life. I needed to figure some things out. Put the pieces of the puzzle back together. 

I'm an independent film type of girl.  When happily ever after doesn't work out - it's OK.  And for a moment, I believed in Hollywood.  Something I haven't done for years.  Then Hollywood, reminded me, you are an Independent film kinda gal.  Don't go changing whom you really are.  That's just pretend.  Hollywood isn't real.  

So, today, I venture off my regular island schedule.  I stayed at the house too late.  I cut through a neighborhood I don't normally cut through on the way to swim.  I look left, before I turn right - and walking down the street the way I wasn't going was the person I needed to see.  Walking down the street.  THE OTHER WAY.  I had a split second choice.  I was already committed to going right, I could keep going.  (Was it really him? Am I sure?).  OR I could turn left.  

And do what????

I could call my best friend.  I'm really not strong enough to make this decision.  What should I do???  

AND 

Let Hollywood take over....  Or Island Magic

OR

LEAP - after all it's LEAP DAY of LEAP YEAR.

What the heck do I have to lose?  If I turn right, I'll always wonder.  And that is where the Independent Film will take us.  I'll want to call and talk.  I'll want to say things I won't.  If I turn left, I know where he's going and we can "run into each other".  Hollywood style.  And independent all at once.  Maybe I have it backwards.  Hollywood would have kept going. Independent needed the drama?  Maybe?  The road to the right, she went on with her life, and lived happily ever after.  Does Hollywood really have the drama?

I make the only you turn I've made this trip.  I had turned right.  Knowing, if I didn't turn around, I'd regret it my whole life.  Now what??  I call my best friend.  Of course I do.  He's walking down the road.  Are you sure? (I'm sorry - side thought here:  How old are we???)  No, that's why I went ahead and pulled over.  I'm looking through the side view mirror.  Yes, it's him. It's a mannerism.  That's what he does with his hair.  WHAT DO I DO?  "Whatever you do, don't hang up the phone, I want to hear it".  :-)  Now, THAT'S a best friend......

As much as I couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking, I put the phone in my lap, (No, I didn't hang up) I leaned out the window and said "Hey, you want a ride to the beach?"  :-)  And as nervous as I was - at least I had 2 minutes to think this through - he was completely shocked.  He handled it well.

He got in.  Of course he did.  This is Hollywood now. 

We parked the car.  We got in the water.  We body surfed.  We saw whales.  Several of them.  We played and we didn't talk about the elephant in the room - or should I say whale?  

We went to the grocery store.  We went to the Harbor to meet some friends.  And then we said good-night.  

What are you doing tomorrow?  Working in the morning.  Shall we go to the water in the afternoon?  

Of course.  This is Hollywood after all.  At least for the moment.

Go inside

Those are words I don't think I've ever said.  "Go inside".  In fact, once when I told my sons to "Come inside"- it was raining, it was 40 degrees and I had already let them stay OUTSIDE for an hour in that mess (as a 40 year old woman it was a mess - as a 9/10 year old boy - it was heaven) when I finally made them "come inside".  I was greeted with "doesn't our happiness mean ANYTHING to you?".  :-)  I remember the moment very clearly.  They were drenched.  Their lips were blue. And they were shaking from the cold.  Yes, it made me smile.  It still makes me smile.

"Come inside." Be safe.  Stay warm.  It is an invitation.

"Go inside".  Demand.  Harsh.  Abrasive words.  You are in trouble.

What if  we make "go inside" a personal thing.  A HAPPY thing. 

I just wrote a blog on the fact that I need to be OUTSIDE.  Not inside.  What if this "inside" is just within ourselves.  Not within a physical place?  Just that physical place in our head and heart?

I read a good quote today and it referenced both Hawaii and Denver.  " a person can only take so much beauty and inspiration before they have to get back to the grocery list".  We take for granted what we see on the way to the store. And it's funny - coming out of the grocery store I noticed the sun over the ocean.  Will I stop noticing this?



Margaret King, director of a think tank in Philadelphia that analyzes the importance of place in determining how lives get lived, puts it this way: "The place we live becomes invisible after a short while because we get so used to how it operates."

So place matters, but less than we think.

If we are not fulfilled inside, yes we will be drawn to a new place.  It is not the place that will make us happy.  Eventually, the novelty wears off.  As a society, we get caught up in the fact that THINGS, PLACES and PEOPLE make us happy.  However, if we fail to look at what truly (and I mean INSIDE) makes us happy, those THINGS and PLACES and PEOPLE will never make us happy.  We weren't happy inside. 

When does THERE become HERE?

We all search.  Some of us for different things.  Security, Health, Adventure, Safety, Family.  When OUT there looking.  "Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?" We know what makes us happy. And by ME, I mean the voice you don't answer in your head/heart.

Be TRUE to yourself. It's okay if you change your mind.  You've been wrong before.  So have I.  And I will be again.

Look for what makes you secure. And healthy.  And loved.  Just go inside - it's there.  It doesn't mean you have to stay there.  Grab what you need and go back outside....  You can always COME back in........

24 hours in a day

There are lots of minutes in a day.  Lots of hours too.

When you get up early, why does it seem like there is SO much day.  It's true if you stay up late, but then there is SO much night.

I've been getting up at 4am.  That's 7am Denver time - to stay on track and work my normal work hours.  Although, when you work those hours - work is over by 1:00pm.  There is still a WHOLE DAY LEFT.

Maybe it just seems like there is a whole day left because I don't have the "normal" chores.  No hockey, no homework, no cooking dinner.  I have to work out.  And I am working tons.  At night, I'm ready to sleep.  It's dark.  It's quiet.  And, I'm EXHAUSTED.  The good kind of exhausted.

The sun sets in Kona at 6:30.  This past summer, the sun set at 6:30pm.  In the winter, 6:30pm is very late.  I think in Denver the sun might be making it until 6pm right now.  In the summer, 6:30pm is very early.  That's a lot of day!

Why at home does it SEEM like the days go faster?  Am I really that much busier?  Or do I just waste more time?  Here my "wasting" time is reading, swimming, boating - it's an activity.  During the summer, at home, I do seem to manage my time better.  Or it's not really managing my time better, I just realized it's spending more time outside.

That's the difference.  I just answered my own question.  It's more time outside - not more time.

I need a sign

Not one of THOSE signs.  Not the Jeff Foxworthy signs.  Not a storm warning sign.  A sign I want to see. 

I'm a firm believer in foreshadowing.  We just don't always see the 'signs' - the indicators in life.  We just don't pay attention.  They are there.  All the time.  We just need to listen.  Pay attention.

Of course, as a female.  I make things into more than they really are.  Maybe it's not a sign.  Maybe it's just life.

My best girlfriend got married in 1999.  I gave her champagne toasting flutes - Waterford.  They had a series going.  I think I gave her the "Love" set.  It kicked off a tradition.  That was then the "gift" to give from her to the others getting married.  I never got a set.  I was married first.  I started the started the tradition.

Finally, as many times in life, I ordered by own.  I ordered "Tranquility" Waterford champagne flutes.  Red wine "prosperity" goblets arrived.  I kept them.  I was "meant" to have them.   They have both broken since that time.  And when the first one broke, I didn't think anything of it.  Of course, I was divorced by then and only needed one. :-)  When the second one broke, it was YEARS later.

Did this mean "prosperity was over", "I was starting a new chapter", "leaving the past behind".  I came up with numerous things that this glass breaking could have meant.  Finally settling on, "maybe it means, I broke a glass"......  Sometime things just happen and that is all it means. It happened.

What about when we want to see a sign?  Does the absence of a sign mean that IS the sign?  It (being the universe) is telling you "there is nothing to tell you".   Or "the fact that there is no sign IS your sign".  Quit looking.

I don't attend church services on a regular basis, but I do like church.  Sometimes when I'm sitting there, they are speaking directly to me.  And I truly believe that is the point of church.  You live a Christian life in everything you do.  Walking into a church doesn't make you more or less of a Christian.  However, I remember a piece of a sermon very clearly.  Of course, I'm paraphrasing here, but this is what I remember:

• A woman lived in an area where a flood was coming.  Everyone was told to evacuate.  A car drives by and tells the women to get in.  She says, "No.  GOD will save me".  The car leaves.  More rains come.  She climbs on top of the house.  A guy comes by in a boat:  "Get in the boat".  "No, No, GOD will save me."  The boat goes on.  The floods continue.  The woman climbs into a tree.  A helicopter swoops down with a rope:  "Get in the helicopter".  "No, No GOD will save me".  The woman dies and goes to Heaven.  While at the Pearly Gates, she says to Saint Peter "I was a good Christian woman.  I lived my whole life devoted to Christ.  At the time of need, where were you?"  St Peter replies, "Well, we sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter".......

Sometimes we need to remember to get in the car.  Don't wait for the boat.  What if we don't recognize it?

That is really my point here.  What if there is no sign?  No car that comes by and tells us to get in?  Is there always a sign?  Only if it's not the sign we want/don't want - we don't listen?? Just because it doesn't arrive in the package we think it should, doesn't mean it didn't arrive.

OR maybe, we just weren't patient enough.

I have two friends whom have three kids each.  In both instances, the first two were conceived through in-vitro fertilization.  The third?  Came the old-fashioned way.  That child was meant to be born - to be the third child.  OR MAYBE, the third child was supposed to be the first.  They just weren't patient enough. 

There aren't always signs on waiting patiently.  Maybe the car came by and told you to wait for the boat, but the boat didn't get there fast enough for you.

When there is NOTHING, not a thing, not a sign telling us what to look for or where to go next.  MAYBE, just MAYBE, it's telling us, we already know where to go and what to do.  THAT is our sign.  Not having a sign - it's telling us we already know.  We just have to trust ourselves to believe it.  We know what to do or what NOT to do.  We already learned this.  (and that's not always want we want to hear).  We already have our sign. We've had it for a while.  We know what to do.