Paradise by the Dashboard Light

WARNING:  This is a long one.  Go get some tea or some wine and some tissues.   You might not need the tissues.  Then come back.

Kona Beer.  Kona Brewing Company.  Kona, Hawaii.  The beer from here is best in bottles.  Longboard is the best.  When you open the bottle on the cap, on the inside, is a word.  It's a Hawaiian word with the English translation.  Truthfully, I'm not a big beer drinker.

This is almost like a "fortune cookie" of the day kinda of beer.  What will is the theme of the day?  What's under the cap?  What will the day bring us?

Last fall, my friend Al (that summer romance that came home) came to visit in Denver.  I bought some Kona beer to have on hand.  We had gone hiking in Vail - my favorite hike in the world.  Piney Lake.  It's beautiful.  It looks exactly like you think it would.  Perfect.

We went on the hike and as we were getting ready to leave, we pulled over by the river to have a couple of cold beers.  From the ice chest in the trunk.  Our bottle caps had  "HOA" and "IPO - respectively, "Friend" and "Lover" on them.  A perfect description of the day.  Those bottle caps sit with my beach glass on the window ledge in my kitchen.  Every morning they make me smile.  There is beach glass, two bottle caps and a quarter with the state of Hawaii on it.  In a nice little dish.

I'm not a collector of things.  To me, it's clutter.  Much to my Granny's dismay - I just can't add "stuff" to my house.  I'm all about the experience.  I do keep memento's though.

This trip has been seen through the dashboard lights. Paradise by the Dashboard Light.  Yes, the old Meatloaf song.  Not sure quite why it reminds me of these two weeks, but it does.  Really though, it's not the Dashboard Light - it's the bottle caps.

The feeling I feel - it's almost like a "fortune cookie" of the day!  What is going to happen?

Yes, I have drank a lot of beer this trip.  I've also found a lot of the bottle caps.

WEEK ONE:

Theme:

Strong - IKAIKA  (i-ka i ka)
Warrior- KOA
Smart - AKAMAI

That was the theme.  I decided not to drink the last beer.  In my heart of heart - the bottle cap says "HOPE"

No, I don't know the Hawaiian word for Hope.  I just knew it said hope.  Hope is something we need to have.

The next round?

I'm on a boat.  Fishing with a bunch of guys I don't know.  Lance's wife suggested I go fishing.  I wish she would have suggested we go "catching".

This theme:

Ocean - MOANA
Drink - INU

That works.  That fits.  I'm living life.

Still couldn't drink that last beer.

I bought more.

The first cap from this set?

Hooray - HULO

It made me smile.  I turned the corner.  I held out.  I didn't drink the last beer.  I waited.  Hold out for what you want.

The second week is a blur.  There was one moment though:

Back to the story about me pulling over on the side of the road???  Asking this man to get in the car?  When we sat down at the beach - mind you I was still shaking.  I look down.  There is a bottle cap.  It's says:  Strong (IKAIKA).  You can do this....

That night?  After spending hours with this man - that I can't tell the whole story about YET - that I have to be patient and wait. (No, he's not married)  No one is in a hurry.  Do you know what the cap said????

"HOA"  Friend.  Of course it did.

What comes next??

To Finish - PAU
Friendship - LauLea
Dinner Party - Pa-INA


I have to go home, I'm not strong enough to sit here and have more beers with you.  I'm not that strong.  I don't care what the Dashboard light says.

He has to leave.  He has some things to finish too......

Next round?

Wave Crest - 'ALE
Ocean - MOANA

Is this the peak?  Ride the Wave??

Next Round???

Seriously, the only thing that showed up???

Reef - LAUPAPA

Reef's can be dangerous.  Reefs can also be a place to wait and explore.  There are some really cool things around reef's.

Still, there is one beer bottle left in the fridge.  The one from the first week.  The one that gave me hope.

I'm taking the bottle caps home.  Every once in a while - Martha Stewart comes screaming out of me.  Not too often, but every once in a while.  I was ready to make a picture frame - out of bottle caps.... :-)  I'm thinking now, they really need to be used as a "horoscope" of the day.  Pick the one.  Embrace it.  Love it.  And know it's okay if that's not what you were thinking.  After all, I'm a girl, whom believes in Hollywood.

However, this is an independent film.  Very low budget.  If this were Hollywood, Neil Young would have come out and sang for us the other night......

Instead we have bottle caps.  And we have one un-opened beer.  The one in the fridge.  The one we will leave and we will never know.  We always wonder what was under that cap.  I'm already thinking of what IS under the cap:

HOPE
FRIENDSHIP

I could go on and on.  Although, the only cap that hasn't shown up this trip?  Lover.

We will never know.....

Gypsy Soul

I'm going to generalize here.  Most of us have "two lives".  If not more.  The one we live - daily.  In and out.  Then there is the life we want to lead.  If we are lucky, we let the one we "want to lead" out of the closet - so to speak - every once in a while.

Or maybe not.

Maybe your life is the one you wanted.  You never wondered.  You never wandered.  You lived your life.  This is what you are supposed to want.

Maybe it's that I'm a Gemini.  The twins.  There are two of us.

Career Woman/Hockey Mom:  No, that's only one personality.  She's got it figured out.  She's at the top of her game.  She's knows what to do and how to do it.  She's a volunteer.  She's the best you can be.  Mom, worker.  You want something done; done right?  She's the gal.  Period.  I'm in charge of career day next week at my kids school.  The mayor of Denver is speaking.  Some other really cool people too.  This is how you do it.  I was the number one recruiter for years when I worked for someone else.  I work for myself now.  She has it all.  She has it all together and she makes it look easy.

My favorite saying "My boss is a real bitch, but she's good to me" :-)

This woman is in charge.

HOWEVER:

The girl (notice I've gone from WOMAN to girl???) that comes screaming out when she's been grounded for too long:  Gypsy Girl

GYPSY GIRL:

She's the one we all love.  The girl whom actually makes things happen.  The dreamer.  "Yes" is her middle name.  Want to go to Kona for the summer?  Want to go ________"  YES.  The daydream believer.  For her, there is no choice.  It's try or die.  Either or.

In life, we put Personality #1 in charge.  Thank goodness.  She pays the bills.

Here are her pitfalls though:  she's scared to try.  She goes the way everyone else has gone.  Work 40+ hours per week.  Work hard and wait - you will get rewarded at the end.  That's what we are told.  That's how it works.  The harder you work, the better person you are.  The more "important" other people think you are, well, that's makes her a better person.

#2 - She's the daydream believer.  She's okay with being #2.  You just have to let her out every once in a while.

Really though, she should be #1.  In her world, it all works out.  And we know it does.  She balances work, kids, freedom and life.  She should be in charge.

Life would be SO much better.  All that STUFF - it wouldn't matter.  Not sure if the bills would get paid though. She's lovely.  She's fun.  Just not sure if without the other one quite how responsible she would be.  Maybe she's got it in her.

Last night I told this story.  I told this man - I told him the problem with all of it.  Truly, the Gypsy Soul met her Soul.  He got it.

And the worst part.  He admitted it. He's got the gypsy soul too.  His gypsy soul met his gypsy soul.

What's the quote?  "You are face to face with the enemy.  And it's you". 

I get it.  EVERYTHING. I understand EVERYTHING you are doing.

You hurt me. I explained my Gypsy Soul met her Gypsy Soul.  He says "So, we're soul mates".

I think the bills will still get paid.  Maybe the wrong one has been in charge.......

Just listen

The universe is talking.  As I stated earlier in the blog -I need a sign - we don't always listen. 

Today- and yesterday, and the day before and I'm going to even bet, tomorrow:  The universe is speaking to me.  And I'm listening.

I'm on the side of the road.  Literally.  At a "seafood market" and barbeque stand.  If you have never had "poke" or Pulled Pork from Kona - you are missing out.  The first, is raw tuna.  Not for everyone.  Last summer, my sons and I acquired a taste for it.  While on the Hilo side of the island, a native Hawaiian relative said "I've never seen boys from Denver like poke like you guys like poke".  The boys just smiled. 

I'm in the middle of nowhere.  Literally.  On the side of the road.  I buy my fresh tuna ($14.99 per pound - it was alive this morning).  My poke.  I'm waiting on my pulled pork. YUMMMMM!!!!!

I've spent all day at "Two Step".  Snorkeling and reading my book.  Drinking a couple of beers.  Life is good. 

I pick up a hitchhiker (Yes, sush now - I know, I know - I learned this from my mom).  All the kids hitchhike on the island.  It's actually quite fun. I've never picked up one before.    He was an exchange student here to learn to farm for 6 months.  He gave me a shell as a thank you.  (Audience - no lecturing, I'm sure I've met guys in bars far worse for me than the hitchhiker on the side of the road).  Plus, I was sober...

Sorry for the tangent.

Back to waiting for for my food.  This woman has a Kona Marathon shirt on.  Once again, the voice inside my head says "ask her".  I'm listening.

"So, have you run the Kona marathon".  "Actually, I'm the race director".  me - "I have this company I'm thinking about starting - I own the website "My Athletic Adventures" I want to bring people to races. I live in Denver. Eventually, when I grown up, I want to be you."  I want to RUN the race.  Not run a race, but RUN it."

Seriously?

I'm in a swim suit, with a wrap on.  I'm on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.  


"I e-mailed you last fall.  It's a long story, but I didn't know if I was coming back".  Ah.  And her husband says, "Now you are coming back?".  Yes, Yes I am.  "Here, let me give you some GU, some cards, and a free registration.  Oh, and here's another race for the families that weekend.  Oh, and your name is Leasa, right?" 

I'm on the side of the road.  In a bathing suit.  In Kona.  And this woman knows whom I am??? 

Okay, I'm listening........

Anyone want to run a race in Kona?? 

AND - she's gone

Hook, line and sinker.  GONE.  What kind of gone are you?

(One of my FAVORITE C&W Song)

What kinda gone are you?

Gone with the Long before it?'

Or just gone to visit your mom?

No, this time she's gone.  LONG GONE. Gone = you know, the one with the heartache after it.

What's the ultimatum? There isn't one.  You are a grown man.  We live in an adult world.  You do what you need to do. I will do what I need to do.

If you can't do it.  Well, that's okay too.  I COMPLETELY 100% understand.  I'm not sure I could move Justin out (that's a whole other story)

No.  You won't be able to move her out.  Here is the ultimatum?  Mover her out?   Oh, come on. Security and Longevity ALWAYS win. I'm not asking for anything.

Where do we meet.  Utah - safe place.  It's not you - it's not me.  Really we don't need to meet.  It's all very simple.  You make the choice.  Here I am.  Missing you. Here's you - missing me......

Truly, this is a low budget, made-for-TV movie, with a few Hollywood moments.   

'

Questions & Answers

It's difficult to ask hard questions.  If you ask the question, you have to be prepared for the answer.  If you don't ask the question, you don't have to deal with the answer.  It's called avoidance.   

Things are usually worse in our heads, then they ever are out loud.  We think of "what will they think"  We exaggerate in our minds.  My favorite thing people do is "I think, they are thinking blah, blah, blah".  Let's start with this premise:  We NEVER know what someone else is thinking.  PERIOD.  There are tons of these types of examples:  Ted Bundy?  The 9/11 terrorist?  We would have never dreamed people had thoughts like this.

Rules for moving forward in life:

• Ask hard questions 
• Be prepared to deal with the answers
• No matter what you WANT the answer to be, understand it is out of your control.
• Give unconditionally 
• Risk it all - the answer might actually be better than you thought.

Just remember sometimes a question is just a question.  There is no deeper meaning.  When someone asks you to go to the beach.  That is all they are asking you.  They aren't asking you to run away with them.  They are saying "DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH?"  That's a yes or no question.

Say "yes" more than you say "no".  And enjoy the day.  Today.  Not tomorrow, not next week, just today.

Short Version - Q&A

****Word of warning:  I'm EXHAUSTED.  The great incredible, wonderful type of exhausted.  SO EXHAUSTED in fact, I can't think straight enough to write.

But for my adoring fans (namely my mom and my aunt) - this is this the short version of what happened today.  There won't be any lessons or deep thoughts - just ramblings, until tomorrow, after I've slept. The name of tomorrows blog will be Questions and Answers, but tonight - it's the short version.

I worked

I swam

I picked up Al and we went to the most Northern Tip of the island.  We passed the turn around point for the Ironman Bike Race (so I've driven it now - does that count??)

We saw more whales.

We watched the sunset at a beach I've never been to before - and Neil Young lives on end of that beach - No, he didn't come out and sing.

All is good on the island.  And now you have more questions than answers......

But I must now go to sleep, for tomorrow I'm going to learn to ride this paddle board that I can't get on the truck.  I must work, I must write, I must finish organizing career day for my kids school.  Then it's ALoha Friday.  A motorcycle ride, paddle board riding and cocktails for the sunset.  Holy cow, I'm back to living on island time.  I heard Denver got snow.....

Hollywood or Independent

What is your favorite ending to a movie or book?  Are you a "Hollywood" type:  everything works out exactly how they have taught us it would.  The hero saves the day.  No one dies - or at least not the main characters.  And yes, it might get tough, but love wins in the end.  Always.  It's a "Hollywood ending"

Of course there are exceptions to the Hollywood ending, but even if the hero/heroine dies - everyone else is better.  Sad, but their lives have been completed.

Are you more of an Independent type movie/book lover?  The one where things don't wrap up so nicely.  People get hurt - but you know they feel and are raw and are human.  It's the book you keep thinking about.  Years later, in the back of your mind, you wonder what those people are doing?  You hope they are doing okay.  (Yes, we all realize they are fictional characters, but we hope they are doing well).

I like both.  I really like it when you read an Independent Book - and it goes Hollywood, only to leave you hanging there at the end.  Or all sad and messed up, because it didn't end the way they were leading you on or vice verse. (Almost Famous; Country Strong; Honeymoon in Vegas)

With life, I'm not sure if I lean towards Independent or Hollywood.  I definitely think my own way and I will try things against the norm.  BUT I want to go against the norm and get my Hollywood ending.  Deep inside me there is a made for TV movie just wanting to come out.  And if that ever happened, I would be so appalled I wouldn't be able to think straight.

I'm going to ramble here for a minute and it might not make sense, but I have to get it all out.

     I had to come back to Hawaii. I had to come to terms with    pieces of my life. I needed to figure some things out. Put the pieces of the puzzle back together. 

I'm an independent film type of girl.  When happily ever after doesn't work out - it's OK.  And for a moment, I believed in Hollywood.  Something I haven't done for years.  Then Hollywood, reminded me, you are an Independent film kinda gal.  Don't go changing whom you really are.  That's just pretend.  Hollywood isn't real.  

So, today, I venture off my regular island schedule.  I stayed at the house too late.  I cut through a neighborhood I don't normally cut through on the way to swim.  I look left, before I turn right - and walking down the street the way I wasn't going was the person I needed to see.  Walking down the street.  THE OTHER WAY.  I had a split second choice.  I was already committed to going right, I could keep going.  (Was it really him? Am I sure?).  OR I could turn left.  

And do what????

I could call my best friend.  I'm really not strong enough to make this decision.  What should I do???  

AND 

Let Hollywood take over....  Or Island Magic

OR

LEAP - after all it's LEAP DAY of LEAP YEAR.

What the heck do I have to lose?  If I turn right, I'll always wonder.  And that is where the Independent Film will take us.  I'll want to call and talk.  I'll want to say things I won't.  If I turn left, I know where he's going and we can "run into each other".  Hollywood style.  And independent all at once.  Maybe I have it backwards.  Hollywood would have kept going. Independent needed the drama?  Maybe?  The road to the right, she went on with her life, and lived happily ever after.  Does Hollywood really have the drama?

I make the only you turn I've made this trip.  I had turned right.  Knowing, if I didn't turn around, I'd regret it my whole life.  Now what??  I call my best friend.  Of course I do.  He's walking down the road.  Are you sure? (I'm sorry - side thought here:  How old are we???)  No, that's why I went ahead and pulled over.  I'm looking through the side view mirror.  Yes, it's him. It's a mannerism.  That's what he does with his hair.  WHAT DO I DO?  "Whatever you do, don't hang up the phone, I want to hear it".  :-)  Now, THAT'S a best friend......

As much as I couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking, I put the phone in my lap, (No, I didn't hang up) I leaned out the window and said "Hey, you want a ride to the beach?"  :-)  And as nervous as I was - at least I had 2 minutes to think this through - he was completely shocked.  He handled it well.

He got in.  Of course he did.  This is Hollywood now. 

We parked the car.  We got in the water.  We body surfed.  We saw whales.  Several of them.  We played and we didn't talk about the elephant in the room - or should I say whale?  

We went to the grocery store.  We went to the Harbor to meet some friends.  And then we said good-night.  

What are you doing tomorrow?  Working in the morning.  Shall we go to the water in the afternoon?  

Of course.  This is Hollywood after all.  At least for the moment.