Remembering

When the boys were little, people said all the time "you need to write this stuff down".  You know the funny stuff, the little things, the things you won't remember.  Of course, I didn't do it.

I HATE when people can't talk about anything but the past (yes, my mother does this all the time and it drives me crazy - she knows it drives me crazy) - Mothers are here to drive you crazy.  Just ask my kids. Yes, some moments are good to reminisce, but the present is also a wonderful place to live.

What I really need to remember is things where I made a mistake, or I learned something - so the next time I go to do it, I can do it better or not repeat the same mistakes.

This winter running is much harder than spring/summer running.

Things I need to remember if I do this again:  (and we know I will)

• It's cooler when you run, and the GOOD thing - you can go run anytime - I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to go run.  It will be cool out in the middle of the afternoon.
• Running while it is cool feels great - but when you stop, you are COLD.  It's because you are wet.
• Feel too cold to get in the shower, then you warm up - and you realize how bad you smell.  Just get in the shower.
• Arms still chafe even if you have a long sleeve shirt on over the tank.
• You still need water - maybe not as much, but you are still getting dehydrated
• Not all places that are open in the summer to use the restroom/get a drink of water are open in the winter.  (Winter Hours at Wash Park Rec Center).  Ran 7 miles - could have run 10 if the rec center had been open.
• Buy some crappy long sleeve t-shirts.  More clothes.  More to smell.  More to wash.  Things wear out faster
• You need gloves and ear warmers.  Be okay with throwing things away.  Or make sure you leave a note that you will be back
• Don't do this again.  What the hell were you thinking?
• Oh, yeah, you lost 10 pounds and you got to go to Paris and London - and you get to take your kids.  

It was just a little bit of a pain.  Right?

Second

How come everyone wants to go first?

Be the first to do things.  The first in a competition.

Sports, Debate team, piano competitions, and whatever other "organized competitive" events - I get wanting to be first.  It's an award.  A prize.  In fact, my oldest son, in a hockey tournament said he would rather come in third than second.  His philosophy:  When you are second, you lost to first.  When you are third, at least you beat the fourth ranked team.

Then there is first at "doing new things".  The explorers of the world.  The risk takers.  I guess not everyone wants to go first.  There is a whole personality group type out there whom would much rather someone else go first.  Let them figure things out, then they can follow along.  But not all whom go first succeed.  Sometimes, it is the second one or the third one whom try whom actually make it - they learned the mistakes of the first explorers.

What about being second in something where you had no choice?

The second child
The second chosen for the job, because the first one turned it down.
The second wife?

My dear friend whom lost his wife seven years ago is now married again and has a baby.  Granted this week was a really hard one - it was not only the anniversary of the first wife's death, but also her birth.  The current wife fell apart.

Part of it is hormones, they do have a newborn in the house.  The other part?  Why does everyone continue to want to "think about him" when she died?

I sent a text to her saying "I know today might be hard for you, but just remember we love you."  Not we love you too.  Just we love you.

She went too far.  She crossed a line with all the friends; her words to everyone "I know it was sad.  It was a horrible day, but let's look at how I have been blessed."  This wasn't about her.  I said to her, "People weren't saying they aren't glad to have you.  People are just sad, because not only did your husband lose a wife, everyone lost a friend."

I don't think it helped.

She cannot get over the fact that "She came in second".  I received a text from her at two in the morning on how sad she really was.  While she said she was fine before.

"Welcome to the I don't like February club".  It will get easier with time.  He doesn't love you too - He loves you.  Also.

I'm not one to like the middle of things.  I definitely don't like playing second place.  You just have to remember it's not a competition.  Unless you are competing, there are no prizes.

"Being someone's first love is great.  It's being their last love that is priceless....."

Starting over

Can you ever really erase history?  Start at the beginning with no baggage?  Start at the start - again?

I don't know.

My running buddy and his wife (whom have been married for over 40 years), they can start over.  They can start a conversation and realize it's not going in the direction either of them intended.  So, they start over. But, they don't "re-start".  They just "start".  Even in the same conversation.  Stop.  Start.  When you re-start, you "disregard the previous statement".

But, can you really do that?  Un-ring a bell?  Not hear something that was spoken?

We all misspeak.

Say words we wish we could take back.

But, truly, can we undo it?  I know we want too.

Tonight, I was at Duncan't hockey game.  When I walk into the bathroom, there is a group of teenage girls standing there gossiping.  One of the girls gives me a hug.  We talk a bit about her boyfriend (they broke up), she's just there to watch Duncan's team..... Hmmm.....

I then go into a stall.  I hear the girls talking.  I hear "that's Duncan's mom".  The conversation continues.  I giggle.  Then, I couldn't help my self.  "I can still hear you".  I couldn't resist.  It got suddenly quiet.

Leaving the bathroom, they were all standing there.  Pink in the cheeks.  I just said "Hi ladies" and continued walking.

Peter Pan wants to try this.  With me.  I don't believe him.  I look at his track record.  I look at my track record.

This is impossible.

I receive the text, "Shouldn't we try?"

"How do we start over?"  Erase the mistakes and not hold them as grudge?

I'm not sure.

I don't know if I know how.  Although, I remember hearing the greatest form of forgiveness is to let it go.

I don't remember loving you.

So, then I receive a text from Peter Pan.  My reply:  "Who is this?".

"That cute blonde guy you met at a bar."

"Oh, I don't remember much about you."

"Trust me, you want to know me."  Oh yeah?  "Yeah".  "So, do you like tomatoes?"

Owning this month

When I think December is bad, I just remember "December has NOTHING on February"

December is hectic.  It's cold.  It's dark, but there are bright spots through the entire month.  

But February......It's a whole different animal.....

Last February, I said I was going to OWN this February.  I was going to plan, it was all going to fall into place, and THIS February, it was going to be mine.

Every morning, I look at the calendar and think, "I made it one more day".  We are going to get through February - then the rest of the year is going to fly.  But for the shortest month of the year, it's usually, the longest.

SO - this is what I'm doing DIFFERENT this February:

• I'm running.  I ran 7 miles today.  It was 29 degrees when we stopped running.  I was sweating.  (One of those things as a girl born in Texas that I will NEVER understand!  (How can it be 29 degrees or heck, even -20, and I'm SWEATING?)
• I'm on track to have several "starts" this month (in the recruiting world, I get paid when people start working).
• I'm going to write - every day. Okay, maybe only every other day.  But they say exercise is THE best anti-depressant you can buy.  I'm betting doing anything you love comes in second.
• I'm eating chips when I want to eat chips.  My choice of today was BBQ Lays.  (And now feel sick, but the handful was really good).
• I'm planning.
• I'm buying plane tickets for the future.  This February I don't have to run away.  (although, I still might).
• I'm being the strong one
• The dreamer
• The believer.

I'm not the only one whom doesn't like February.  

There is group of us whom a February was very tragic.  It's gets a bit easier each year, but there are still moments that it seems like yesterday.

or

My "first son", the one whom was born when I was in college  - and I got to see in Oahu last summer called the other day.  He's still stationed in Hawaii.  "Aunt Leasa, instead of going home this summer, can I just come stay with you in Kona?"   Then later seeing a post on his Facebook page "Sorry, I can't do that this summer, I'm staying in Hawaii with my Aunt at her beach house"

or 

A sweet girl in California sending pictures from last summer.  Missing us.  Hating the "politics of high school". Wanting to plan our summer.

or 

Another sweet teenage girl still in Hawaii, wanting to know when we are getting back.  "There is JUST so much to tell"......

I didn't have the heart to tell any of them, "we have to find a different house this summer"

I guess we all get the February blues.  But this month, I'm going to own it.  I just need to breathe and tell my tribe to breathe too.  

We will make it through February.  I can hear the ocean telling me that now....

What an idea

I'm on the elliptical this morning.  Exercise really does clear my head.

By the end of the 30 minutes, my head was clear and my body was smelly.  But here is what I was thinking during the workout:

"This is all okay.  Maybe we won't go back to Kona this summer.  We can go to another island?  There are many places in this WORLD we can go.  There are many other islands.  We can try a new place.  Or maybe we should go to Puerto Rico?  It's still in the states, I could still work, yet we still have the beach.  

Or maybe, let's road trip this summer.  We could leave Denver, head to Sedona (to see our former neighbor from Hawaii).  Stay in Sedona for a bit.  Head to California.  Stay with some friends out there.  Then head back through Vegas, then to Salt Lake City, then back to Denver.

Or maybe, we go back to Texas this summer.  We drive to Dallas, then head down to the beach with Carolyn and her daughter."

All this went through my mind.  Then I got off the elliptical.

The oxygen came back to brain.  Those all sound like HORRIBLE ideas.  We need to go home.  We will figure it out.

(I told both boys all my thoughts - they both answered the same way "Those are horrible ideas, Mom.  We need to home.")

I get it. I'm on it.

Falling

"I have 'fallen' through my entire life."

I said this to my running buddy the other day.  He replied, "What do you mean?" I replied, "I have FALLEN through my entire life.  I suddenly say I want to do something, then I make it happen.  I don't plan for years and years.  I just make it happen.  Then it happens."

Things for me happen backwards.

When I "plan and organize my life".  By that I mean, follow the schedule and plan everyone else needs us to follow - it doesn't work for me.  If I completely "upset the apple cart", well, it works for me.  The "I have no money, I'm out of shape, but I'm going to Paris and I'm going to run a marathon in 90 days."  Well, that works for me.  

Once you realize that your life works that way.  It works much better.....

 

The End of an Era

All good things must come to an end.  At least, that is what they tell us.

I've never believed it.  Why can't good things last?

Yes, we can't have that same "high" forever.  Things evolve.  The "shine" wears off.  It "dulls".

I agree.  I also disagree.

All good things don't end, they evolve.  They change.  If we are lucky, they change for the better. Sometimes, for the worse.  Or just not the greatest.

We are human.  It's okay.  Me?  Personally?  I think it's best when we understand things change and evolve, as we grow.

I'm a very lucky person.  I have friends I've known for over 20 years.  A few close to 30.  But the most remarkable thing about these friends?  They aren't my friends because of how long we have known each other, but more, we are incredible friends - it's just a bonus we have known each other this long.  I have great friends.

Why stay in a friendship just because of the history?  I stay, well, because, I'm a friend. I can tell you though, even if I've know someone for 30 years, they aren't my friend because of that.  It's because, we evolved together.

Sometimes, friendships change.  Sometime they end.

The house in Hawaii is for sale.

Of course it is.  Could this really last forever?

This part of the journey I didn't know I was on is coming to an end.  I'm not sure what to do.  I'm sad.  I'm okay, things change.

Sometimes, life takes you to a place you never thought you would end up.  Much less change your whole life.

I've been to the Valley.  The Island.  The Desert.  The Mountains. The Ocean.

All on one island.  And a million islands in between.

I'd like to be my optimistic self, because that is whom I really am, but this time, I feel a hole has been ripped from my soul.

Messages have already been put out to see if we can do something different.  Maybe it's time for something different.  I've heard there are a couple of other rooms available on the island.

Or maybe, the universe is telling me, I can make this happen in a different way.  Or I can walk away. I've had the tools the whole time....

This island had to teach me, some things are worth it all.....